


Deadliest Warrior Season 4

by Joshua_Preston



Category: Deadliest Warrior
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-03
Updated: 2017-06-02
Packaged: 2018-11-08 07:54:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11077275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Joshua_Preston/pseuds/Joshua_Preston
Summary: A continuation of the hit show on SPIKE.I own nothing except the matchups.





	1. King Arthur vs Robin Hood

DEADLIEST WARRIOR : KING ARTHUR VERSUS ROBIN HOOD  
(Team King Arthur [Arthur, Guinevere, Lancelot, Galahad, Merlin] &   
Team Robin Hood [Robin, Marian, Little John, Will Scarlet, Friar Tuck])

Narrator : King Arthur. That one warrior that brought together the tribes of Britain and fought back the Saxon invaders. And ultimately became the first king of England.

Robin Hood. The banded outlaw that fought to bring justice to the tyrannical King John and the Sheriff of Nottingham. He also robbed from the corrupt to give back to the poor.

Who…is…Deadliest?

Welcome to the fight club. Where we put cutting edge science together with battlefield strategies. We have returning hosts for this spectacular edition. Doctor Armand Dorian, trauma surgeon for the Los Angeles E.R. Geoff Desmoulins, former paramedic and bio-medical engineer. Richard “Mack” Machowicz, retired Navy SEAL and military historian. And returning for his third season, Max Geiger. Computer whiz and gadget guru from the first two seasons of Deadliest Warrior.

This a first for Deadliest Warrior. Today is a true battle of legends. With Great Brittan’s first king against the outlaw that toppled corrupt officials. 

With today we have experts on both teams. Weighing in on the battles they fought and the weapons they used are producers, directors and actors from recent films about each warrior.

For Team King Arthur we have director Antoine Fuqua. He helmed the smash hit “King Arthur”. It brought audiences world-wide a unique look at the ‘Once and Future King’. Also helping out is actor Clive Owen, who starred in the title role. He will be brought in as the weapons handler.

Fuqua : King Arthur is the one person that all heroes aspire to be. How is Robin Hood going to beat someone like him?

SCENE : Arthur is fending off a hoard at Hadrian’s Wall.

Owen : Arthur is a warrior first and foremost. It was only after that he was finally crowned King. Fighting is in his blood. His father and his father’s father were both skilled in combat.

SCENE : Arthur is fighting off Pagans. And not breaking a sweat.

Narrator : But Team Robin Hood is not so easily swayed. Stepping in for proponents of the Hooded Man is director and producer of Robin Hood. Ridley Scott.

Scott : Robin Hood fought under a king and toppled a corrupt one. He marched to Palestine and back. He picked up enough fighting styles to use against his enemies.

Narrator : Also in is fellow producer and titular actor Russell Crowe.

Crowe : How will Robin defeat Arthur? Simple really. He has more advanced weaponry and better strategies.

Narrator : The first test to be run is on Short Range Weapons. Up first is the morning star. A deadly and dangerous weapon to be held. And the last thing many a foe would ever see.

Fuqua : This is the Morning Star. Easily the most impressive weapon on the battlefield. One hit and you’re out. Like a light. Clive here will be the one wielding it.

Geoff : Wow. This brings back memories. Haven’t seen this since the first season of the show.

Clive Owen suits up in Kevlar in preparation. Doctor D. steps out with a cart.

Dorian : Before you start, we have a ballistics gel torso and head. Complete with bones, organs and tissue. All to bring the realism to the show.

Mack : On 3 Clive! 1…2…3! Attack!

Clive swings the morning star above his head, narrowing making contact with himself. And with the right strike, it cracks the skull like an egg.

At the end, the ball makes contact with the Kevlar helmet. Fortunately, no damage was done to Owen.

Armand and the others walk up. Most of them are feeling nostalgic.

Dorian : Well, you don’t have to be a doctor to know this guy is dead. With the correct hit, you blew the top of his skull off. Taking brain matter with it.

Narrator : But Team Robin Hood is not impressed.

Crowe : [scoffs] To use your own words doctor, correct hit. It takes several swings to get the right momentum going to get in a lethal hit. And that is IF you can make contact.

Crowe points to a club with metal at the end.

Crowe : This is the simple mace. It breaks a knight’s armor. And if not, it will definitely break bones.

Scott : I agree. And this is far more predictable. You have complete control over it at all times. And you can do more than just smash things. You can also use it to choke your enemies.

SCENE : Friar Tuck is using a mace to incapacitate a French Knight.

Scott : And throw him to the ground. Possibly breaking his neck in the process.

SCENE : Friar Tuck tosses him to the ground.

Geoff nods.

Geoff : OK. Let’s see it happen.

They walk over to see a human skull made out of simulated bone. With a sensor pad on top.

Geoff : The human bone breaks at 75psi. Let’s see if you can do better.

This caught Clive’s attention. He cocked his head. And left. Only to return with a padded hood, a chain mail hood and a metal helmet.

Owen : Hold up, gents.

He put the padding and metal on the skull.

Owen : Carry on.

Clive walks away with a smirk on his face.

Crowe and Scott are not fazed one bit.

Geoff : Alright, Russell. Are you ready?

Crowe grips the mace tightly. And nods.

Geoff : Let her rip!

Crowe swings the mace upwards and in one move, takes the helmet off and cracks the skull.

Doctor Dorian walks over and examines the remains.

Dorian : Holy cow. As you can see the mace took off the helmet and penetrated the mail and padding. Not even professional prize fighters can do something like this. This guy is definitely not coming back.

Narrator : The hosts are divided as to which short range weapon is the best.

Dorian : The morning star is as deadly to an opponent as it is to the wielder. The mace is in complete control of the warrior. My edge goes to the mace.

Geoff : The morning star is far more devastating than the mace. And you don’t have to rely on a lucky blow. The morning star is far more superior.

Mack : The morning star is a treat to see in action. But it can also inflict damage on yourself if you’re not careful. The mace can be used in different ways. That is an advantage in the battlefield. My edge goes to the Medieval mace.

Narrator : With a 2 to 1 favor, the mace wins in short range weapons.

Narrator : Now we go onto Mid-range weapons. Up first is the Bo Staff. A wicked weapon found in any forest. Devastating to any incoming target.

The teams are standing around 3 pig carcasses on zip lines.

Dorian : We have three pigs standing in for French Knights. These zip lines will simulate them on horseback. You have 30 seconds to do as much damage as possible.

Narrator : To do as much damage as in the movie, fellow Robin Hood actor Kevin Durand is brought in to wield the Bo staff. Kevin portrayed Robin’s right-hand man Little John.

Crowe and Durand do a dap and his friend walks off to get ready.

Durand : I am ready! Unleash the swine!

The three dead pigs zipped in three different directions. Durand hit the first, then the second, but missed the third.

Dorian : Well done Kevin. You made contact with two of the three pigs. As I examine this, I notice a direct blow to the sternum. This will break it and sever the Aorta. The next one was not as deadly. A mortal wound, yes, but no instant death. And you missed the third.

Durand is gasping for air.

Geoff : This is something in the X-Factors that is know as fatigue. You hit your stride, but soon tired yourself out.

Durand : That is true. After making contact with the first one, I felt myself being drained of my strength. By number three I was exhausted. I could barely swing the staff.

Fuqua and Owen walk over. Owen shakes his head.

Owen : That was a real nice display of attacks on unarmed pigs. But we have something that will display a true victory.

Fuqua : This is the English long sword. Something used in the time of King Arthur. And Robin Hood.

Narrator : The Long sword. A deadly piece of metal that sliced through wood and bone.

Clive was showing off a sword that was designed to look like the one he used in King Arthur.

Owen : As you can see, this does not bludgeon. It slices and also causes damage internally. A shockwave builds up and does tissue damage.

Geoff : OK, Clive. You will go through the same as Kevin.

Owen gets into position. And slices the first pig clean through. The second went into the carcass and cracked several ribs. The third one had the sword stuck in the head. And Clive is not tired in the least.

Dorian : I don’t even have to tell you what happened. Clive cut down the first two and gave the third a lobotomy. Without tiring himself. I think it’s obvious which weapon is deadlier.

Max, Geoff and Mack all nod their heads.

Narrator : With a unanimous decision, the mid-range weapon is the English Long sword.

Narrator : Now onto Long-Range weapons. In for King Arthur is the catapult. A deadly long range attack that is still used today.

The hosts and both teams are outside with a leftover catapult from season three.

Mack : This was used in last season’s episode, Joan of Arc versus William the Conqueror. It has been reassembled for this test. Complete with a forest setting with stand up targets. Let’s see what this can do.

Fuqua and Owen get the catapult in position and load it up with a heavy stone.

Geoff : On my mark, guys! 3, 2, 1! Mark!

The catapult did it’s job and crashed into a dummy.

Narrator : The reload time is critical. It takes several minutes to lower the device and reload it.

The duo finally exhaust their ammunition and themselves.

Dorian : Let’s go and check out the carnage.

The hosts walk over and inspect the damage.

Dorian : This is a direct hit to the head. He’s definitely dead. This next one is a miss. This one over here is not as fortunate. This slammed him onto his back. Not an instant kill, but it did puncture his right lung. And over here are more misses.

Mack : So, we have one instant kill. One mortal wound. And three misses. Let’s see what Team Robin Hood can do.

Narrator : Over on the other side of the field, a castle is reassembled for this test.

Geoff : This is the same castle used in last season’s episode. We want to see how many knights you guys can take down.

Crowe, Scott and Durand are standing at the ready.

Scott : This is the original long range attack. Bow and arrows have been used since before written history. You see it on ancient caves by hunters. And Robin and his men are masters of archery combat.

Mack : When I was a kid, I always was enamored by the bow. Now I get to see it in action. I am so psyched.

Geoff : All right. We want you to kill as many encroachers as possible. When you run out of arrows, you two are done. Your timing starts…NOW!

Crowe and Durand start shooting arrows and they all find their marks. The two men are not fatigued in the least.

Dorian and the others examine the chaos.

Dorian : I haven’t seen this many punctures since a particularly bad stabbing during my residency. Even a 4 year old could tell you that all these targets are not alive.

Geoff agrees.

Geoff : I agree, Doc. There is something dreadful about getting hit and not even know it.

Mack : This is impressive, but I think the catapult did a better job of inflicting more psychological warfare.

Narrator : The judges are divided, but a major consensus is reached.

Geoff : The catapult is large, but it drains the strength from whoever is using it. And reload time is more so. The bow and arrow reached their targets with pinpoint precision and all were instant kills.

Dorian : I am in total agreement. In my mind the bow and arrow is the better long range weapon.

Narrator : The longbow did a better job at delivering death to its destination.

Narrator : Now Mack brings in the all important X-Factor of battlefield strategy.

Mack : OK, Antoine. King Arthur is the most brilliant warrior of the Dark Ages. What is his most defining moment?

Fuqua : That would be the battle of Hadrian’s Wall.

Mack nods and reaches over his computer screen.

Mack : Alright. Here it is. The one battle where Arthur brought down the Saxons and united the tribes. Tell me what he did.

Fuqua : What Arthur did is bring the Saxons in close. And that was where Arthur and his men fought best. But what the Saxons did not realize is that there were hundreds of Celts in the surrounding forest.

Mack : And they ran out and confused the brutes. With both forces, the Saxon invaders were wiped out.

Fuqua : And cementing his place in history as King of the Britons.

Narrator : Next is an intense examination of the armors used by both warriors.

Owen and Crowe are displaying the armor used in each film.

Geoff, Mack and Dorian are there, as well.

Geoff : This is the type of armor Arthur would wear.

Owen nodded.

Owen : That’s right Geoff. This is chainmail. They would also wear gauntlets and shoulder plating to prevent damage to joints. Despite what many other people would believe, full on plate mail was not invented until the 1500’s. Several centuries after Arthur.

Fuqua : The armor made it impossible to pierce into the flesh.

Narrator : To prove this, Crowe is brought into test the efficiency of the armor.

Crowe : News flash, Clive. They had the same armor during Robin’s time period. And those arrows are made to pierce the same armor.

Crowe let’s loose and only a few arrows penetrated.

Dorian : Let’s see here. The ones that actually went in, didn’t go in very far. Not even a mortal wound. Nothing worse than a shaving cut, really.

Narrator : Now the armor of Team Robin Hood is brought in.

Crowe is smiling wide.

Crowe : This is the same armor I used when I played Robin Hood. This is hardened leather with steel studs punched in. This is also more lightweight. Giving him the ability to move faster.

Narrator : The leather armor is dressed onto a ballistics gel torso.

Crowe : Do your worst Clive.

Owen : I intend to, Russell.

Owen raises his long sword and slices off limbs and leaves a devastating gash along the mid-section. He walks by Crowe, smirking.

Owen : Sorry about that Russell.

Narrator : With all the numbers run, the hosts come to their conclusion.

Mack : I think we are all in agreement here, guys. Arthur’s armor is far superior to Robin’s.

The others nod.

Narrator : For armor, Arthur’s chain mail is the better of the two.

Narrator : Now we go to Mack as he discusses with Ridley Scott about Robin Hood’s strategy.

Mack : OK, Ridley. Could you give me an example to Robin Hood’s battle strategy?

Scott : Not a problem, Mack. Let’s go to after the Crusades and to Chalus Castle in France.

Mack punches in the keys and France pops up.

Scott : After the Crusades were over, King Richard ordered his men onto France to reclaim his land. What Robin Hood was, was a Yeoman Bowman. And his main job was to get the smaller ones up there. He would lay down cover fire.

Mack nods.

Mack : Much like what today’s special forces do.

Scott : That’s right. And they would tie bags on the drawbridge. And in these bags are something akin to petroleum. The archers would light their arrows and fire them off. Exploding them into balls of fire. Which, in turn, would render all wooden structures into ash.

Narrator : After hearing the battles, Mack has come to a choice.

Mack : There is a thin line here. Arthur was controlling his forces. Robin was under orders from a king. Arthur completed his mission. The French Invasion was the last battle that Richard saw. A crossbow bolt nailed him in the neck. The edge in battlefield tactics go to King Arthur.

Narrator : King Arthur is the winner in Battlefield Tactics.

Narrator : Now onto Special Weapons. Where it gives the warrior an edge over his opponent.

The team and hosts are outside, once again.

Geoff : Okay, can you guys explain this to me?

Crowe and Durand are placing bags at pig carcasses. 

Crowe : This is perfect for storming castles, or burning your foes to the ground. There is no name for it, but I call it Fire Bags.

Mack feels a smile coming on.

Mack : Let’s see what you can do.

Using propane torches, the two arrows are lit afire. And both arrows fired hit their targets. Igniting the bags and lighting up the swine.

After the fire goes out, Dorian examines the wounds.

Dorian : Looking at the pigs, I can say for certainty that they all are suffering from 3rd Degree burns. If they don’t die now, they’ll die from excruciating pain.

Narrator : But Team King Arthur brings in their own secret weapon.

Owen brings out the long sword again.

Geoff : Okay, Clive. Why did you bring out your mid-range weapon?

Owen : Because this is no ordinary weapon. This is Excalibur. The mightiest sword ever created. It was said this could slice through anything.

Geoff : Well, make me a believer.

Owen stood his ground and then cut through shields, limbs and metal.

Owen : And that is why Excalibur is the greatest weapon ever forged.

Narrator : The hosts are deliberating on which weapon is more effective.

Geoff : I have got to give it to Excalibur. Just the name alone is intimidating. It cut through everything out there.

Dorian : I disagree, Geoff. The Fire Bags give more bang for their buck. If you don’t die instantly, you will die suffering from the horrendous injuries.

Mack : It sounds to me like this is metallurgy versus chemistry. With Excalibur you have the perfect slicing weapon. And the Fire Bags are perfect for dealing death by the numbers. I have to call this one a wash.

Narrator : In the battle for Special Weapons, it’s dead even.

Narrator : With all the tests and numbers in, the crucial X-Factors are weighed in.

Max : We have a team of historians, scientists and military experts assigning numbers between 1 to 100. 100 being the ultimate warrior.

Geoff : What about Metallurgy?

Max : With Metallurgy, it goes to King Arthur. Arthur has a number of 89 with Robin having 11. This is due to the fact that Arthur has a greater amount of metal to work with. And add that to Excalibur.

Dorian : How would you measure Psychological Warfare?

Max : With Psychological Warfare, it favors Robin Hood at 75 with Arthur at 25. Robin and his men live in the woods. So they already have a scare factor working for them.

Mack : Could you tell us who is the better leader, Max?

Max : Not surprising, Arthur took the cake on this one. He is a King. Arthur has 65 for Generalship. But Robin still has a respectable 35.

Mack : And what about Battlefield Experience?

Max : Arthur pretty much lived in the Isles his whole life. So he learned his skills on his home turf. But Robin had literally walked from Britain to Palestine to France and back. You can’t get much more experience than travelling between 2 continents and the English Channel. Robin gets a 92 and Arthur has an 8.

Narrator : To prevent the match won by a lucky blow, the simulator will be run for 5,000 times. And at the end, we will find who is the deadliest warrior.

They all turn to the computer.

Max : Ok. The tests are done and the numbers are run. Time to see who is the deadliest warrior.

He reaches over and presses ‘Enter’.

ROBIN HOOD : *****  
KING ARTHUR : *****

Robin and his team exit the woods and finds themselves in front of a wooden fort. He orders Will Scarlet to go ahead to deal with the locks, while keeping the others close by. Will sets up the fire bags and breaks the lock, and finds himself confronted by a knight.

Galahad is shocked to see encroachers upon his King’s keep. And brings out his long sword fast enough to impale the intruder.

ROBIN HOOD : ****  
KING ARTHUR : *****

Upon seeing his oldest friend cut down, Robin orders the others to raise their bows and unleash arrow upon arrow. Several arrows hit Galahad, but one of them hit his neck. Severing his spinal column. He drops dead on site.

ROBIN HOOD : ****  
KING ARTHUR : ****

Lancelot oversees this and runs to Arthur. A short discussion ensues. Arthur gathers the others and is determined to end this battle. They armor up and mount their horses. They rush out to find a hooded team set to take them on. Arthur gives the order to rush them.

Lancelot swings his morning star around and hits Little John, only to have it blocked by a Bo staff and it breaks in two. The impact sends Lancelot to the ground, leaving him open to a hit to the face with a mace. He is not getting back up.

ROBIN HOOD : ****  
KING ARTHUR : ***

Arthur, severely outnumbered, calls out to the woods. Guinevere and Merlin step forward. And charge the intruders. Merlin is so savage looking, it puts fear into Little John. A quick strike from a sword ends Little John’s life.

ROBIN HOOD : ***  
KING ARTHUR : ***

Friar Tuck is shocked to see one of his parishioners cut down. And runs over to deliver a blow that would make God proud. He swings his mace and caves in Merlin’s skull.

ROBIN HOOD : ***  
KING ARTHUR : **

Guinevere shows up and slices Tuck in two. This enrages Robin and Marion.

ROBIN HOOD : **  
KING ARTHUR : **

Marion grabs a near-by horse and mounts it. She charges for Guinevere and swings her father-in-law’s sword, delivering a mighty blow to the Celt.

ROBIN HOOD : **  
KING ARTHUR : *

Now fed up with his friend’s blood spilt, Arthur unsheathes the sword passed down from father to son for the last 3 generations. Excalibur. Robin sees this and fires an arrow that is aflame. The contact is not Arthur, but the fire bag set behind him. A giant fire appears and spooks the horse. Knocking him off and landing Arthur on the ground. Some fire appears on him, but his armor keeps him safe.

He stands up sees Marion standing against him. Arthur swings and goes through the armor and sword. Marion is gasping for air as she dies.

ROBIN HOOD : *  
KING ARTHUR : *

Arthur finds himself standing face-to-face with Robin. With Excalibur at the ready, Robin has only a mace. The clash is spectacular. Robin swings his mace at Arthur only to be blocked by Excalibur. Robin delivers a right cross and knocks Arthur’s helmet off.

Robin takes the advantage to deliver a blow to the king’s unprotected head. But Arthur saw this coming and ducked. Robin lost his footing, giving Arthur the upper hand. He swings Excalibur and makes contact.

Robin is stunned as he looks downward. Copious amounts of blood is gushing out. He soon looses consciousness and dies.

ROBIN HOOD :   
KING ARTHUR : *

Narrator : King Arthur is the winner.

Max : With 5,000 battles, King Arthur won 2,600 of them. Making this most nail-biting and nerd-gastic battle so far.

Dorian : I was willing to give this matchup to Robin Hood, he knows how a king fights. But there is no king like Arthur. He is the one king that all others strive to be like.

Mack : I know that King Arthur is the better warrior, and to see it in action is proof enough.

Geoff : Robin Hood may have travelled abroad, but it was King Arthur’s generalship that sealed his fate.


	2. Harry Potter vs Percy Jackson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The second chapter in my Season 4.

DEADLIEST WARRIOR : HARRY POTTER VS PERCY JACKSON

Team Potter [Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Draco Malfoy] & Team Jackson [Percy Jackson, Annabeth Chase, Grover Underwood, Thalia Grace, Nico DiAngelo]

Narrator : Harry Potter. The Boy who Lived. He has cheated death more times than he can count. Starting with his first year of life and ending with his seventh year at Hogwarts. He is the most powerful wizard ever.

Percy Jackson. The Chosen One. Born of one of the ‘Big Three’. Son of Poseidon, able to control all elements of water. And all that dwell beneath it. He has defeated Death since he first discovered his powers.

Who…is…Deadliest?

Welcome back to the fight club. Where cutting edge science is put together with the impossible for the first time. Sorcery and myths.

We have two heroes from two of the most popular long running novels of all time.

Harry Potter and Percy Jackson.

In for each hero we bring in the people that know them best. The authors.

J. K. Rowling : Harry Potter is the best. He’s defeated the most powerful and dreaded wizard of all time. He Who Shall Not Be Named. He can certainly deal with a young lad who talks to fish.

Rick Riordan : Percy may appear to be weak, but that is farthest from the truth. He led an entire army to defeat the Titans not once, but twice. First Cronos, then Gaia. Taking on a wand waving Britton is going to be a walk in Central Park.

Narrator : Also in are the title role actors. Daniel Radcliffe and Logan Lerman.

DR : I’ve played Harry since day one. I know everything about the character. His weaknesses and most importantly, his strengths. One good spell to counter his powers, Percy Jackson will soon wish he never left Camp Half-Blood.

LL : I have been playing Percy Jackson for two movies. I’ve also done extensive research into the character. I know him better than he knows himself. He has more power in one pinky than Potter has in his whole body.

Narrator : In for judging is Doctor Armand Dorian. ER physician for LA General. He will determine the damage done to the tests. Geoff Desmoulins. Former Army soldier for Canada and Bio-medical egineer. Richard “Mack” Machowicz, former Navy SEAL and military strategist. And finally Max Geiger. Computer whiz and game designer.

We start off with Short Range weapons.

Dealing with unconventional, only the most basic will be used. Starting with the Sword of Gryphondor and Riptide. 

JKR : This is the sword once owned by Godric Gryphondor. He was one of the four founders of the houses of Hogwarts. And the only weapon designed for battling the dark elements of wizardry. It dealt a deathblow to the Basilisk, first set forth by Salazar Slytherin and later Voldemort, and also the dreaded Naga. The Dark Lord’s Horcrux.

Narrator : For the purpose of accomplishing the task, the Deadliest Warrior’s arsenal recreates the legendary sword for battlefield specifications.

Daniel uncovers a royal purple cloth to reveal an old friend. He’s grinning ear-to-ear.

DR : That’s what I’m talking about!

He starts swinging the sword to get the feeling back.

Dr D. is amused.

Armand : OK, OK. We get it, Daniel. You were trained well. But it will take more than a few fancy moves to prove it has what it takes.

Daniel blushed a little.

Geoff pushes over a cart with a ballistics gel torso on it.

Geoff : Well Daniel, Harry is known for his wand waving. Let’s see if you can prove to be a swordsman as well. You will be timed for 30 seconds. Within that time, you have to do as much damage as you can.

Armand : Are you ready, Daniel?

Daniel merely salutes with his sword.

Geoff : [chuckles] OK, Daniel. On 3. 3, 2, 1, GO!

Daniel turned into a madman. He sliced and diced the torso until it was ribbons. Only the steel rod prevented a full-on decapitation. After the time is over, Daniel was almost giddy.

Geoff : Oh my, goodness. Daniel, man, what happened? It looks like you put him in a blender. Doc? What do you think?

Armand : Well, Geoff, you pretty much described it. The sword penetrated the ribcage, and the heart and lungs. The only thing keeping the head on is the rod. Also, if you move to the back, there is only a thin strip of flesh remaining. You didn’t just kill him, you massacred him.

Narrator : But our other team is not so easily swayed.

RR : So Harry can swing a sword and a wand. Big deal. Percy can swing a sword with military precision. He wasn’t there making twist tie puppets. He, and the others, are trained to be warriors. Not wizards and witches.

He walks over to a display case.

RR : Here are featured some of the greatest weapons in the Half-Blood arsenal. They range from Bronze to Iron. First up is the Riptide. Given to Percy by Chiron. A gift from his father. The Greek God Poseidon. Others are the twin bronze daggers that Annabeth owns. And this is the Stygian Iron Blade that Nico was given to by his own father. Hades, God of the Underworld.

LL : For today’s test, I will be using Riptide.

He walked over and picked up a real-life replica of the sword used in the first two movies.

Geoff and Armand guide Logan to the zip-line area.

Geoff : OK, Logan. Here you will be assaulted by pigs on zip-lines moving 20 miles an hour. About the same speed you would expect a wizard or witch to be moving on their broomsticks.

Armand : Since pigs have similar consistencies of human flesh, it will be like going through human bodies. Are you ready Logan?

Logan got into a battlefield stance.

LL : Ready!

Geoff : Let her rip!

First one pig flew by. Then two, then three. Logan swung at them with pin point accuracy. Pieces of pig flesh are flying everywhere.

At one point, Logan decapitated one pig.

Armand : That’s time, Logan! Let’s see what you did.

The three inspect the damage.

Geoff : No need to inspect this one, doc. The head is completely severed.

Armand : No joke. And check out this laceration. Right along the belly. This would defiantly leave this guy with his intestines hanging out. Again brutal, but not an instant kill.

Mack : But this would go to the x-factor of Psychological Warfare. Seeing one of your men like this? It would send shock into your troops.

Armand : You’re right about that Mack. And this last one got cut right where the Aorta is. If that is cut, you die on the spot.

Max : Okay, they’re both impressive. But can we decide which one is better?

Narrator : The four hosts are busy with the outcome. And they are deeply divided.

Armand : The Sword was able to shred the torso to ribbons. But only Harry is the one who wields it. Every one on Percy’s team has a bladed implement. And they are all trained in the art of warfare. Harry and his team are trained only in sorcery. My vote goes to Riptide.

Geoff : Riptide is impressive, but I give it to the S o G. While both are intimidating, Riptide is made of bronze and the Sword is of steel. Steel is much stronger than bronze. With the right hit, the S o G would shatter Riptide.

Max : Come on, guys. We need this settled. What do you say, Mack?

Mach : The Sword is made from mystical powers, and steel is stronger than bronze. But having said that, Riptide was literately made by a God. I don’t care how much magic you have, that is nothing compared to a Greek God. My vote is for Riptide.

Narrator : With a slim vote, Riptide is the winner in Short Range weapons.

Narrator : Now onto Mid-Range weapons. And Team Jackson is ready to assault with the all mighty trident. The tri-pronged dealer of death, that is also the symbol of Poseidon.

Five feet of terrifying iron. Made for maximum penetration and severe damage.

LL : This is the same type of weapon used by Gladiatorial combatants. They were referred to as Poseidon warriors. And – Rick. What are you doing here?

RR : You got to use the Riptide sword. Rock, Paper, Scissors for the trident?

LL : You’re on, old man.

The two went at it strong.

LL : Ha! Rock beats Scissors! I get this one Rick!

Logan grips the trident with enough strength to keep it in his control.

Armand : We’ll need to measure the impact force first, Logan. And the speed of the weapon. What we’ll do is strap an accelerometer on the trident. This will tell us how fast you’re going. And the sensor pad will tell how much impact the target will receive. Start whenever you’re ready.

Logan is psyching himself up. With lightning fast reflexes he impales the gel torso. A squirt of faux blood hits Logan in the face. He ignores it. And continues the onslaught. With the final move, he hits the sensor pad between the prongs.

The trident is stuck in the skull. Logan walks away with a killer smirk on his face.

Max : [BLEEP]!

Mack : Well said, Max.

Geoff : Let’s take a look at the numbers.

Armand : Check this out. This spike is higher than most of the ones in the past.

Max : You’re right Doc. The speed is like on a 30 mph motorcycle. That’s how fast you were going, Logan. And the impact? 140 psi. Not to mention the icing on the cake.

LL : Remember the Psychological Warfare you guys were talking about? Well this is definitely worthy of putting the Fear God into Harry Potter.

Mack : You nailed it more than the trident did, Logan. This definitely factors into that particular X-Factor. You did a hell of a job jacking up the numbers.

Narrator : But team Harry Potter is ready to bring it. With one of the most powerful spells available to the wizard and witches of Great Brittan. Petrificus Totalus. 

In for the demonstration is fellow Potter star, Emma Watson. Her role of Hermione Granger is an icon and hero for many girls. Proving that this testing ground is not just for the boys.

EW : With the Petrificus Totalus spell, which means total petrification, causes a total and utter system-wide shutdown to your entire body. Not unlike when a person is in a coma. Allow me to demonstrate.

Narrator : Without having actual magic, Emma will be using a stun gun. Previously seen in Season 2.

EW : Oh, Daniel. [singsong style]

DR : Yeah, Emma?

EW : Could you please come over here and take your shirt off?

DR : Sure, Emma.

EW : And could you also turn around? If you don’t mind.

DR : No problem.

EW : And just remember Daniel, this is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you.

DR : What?

EW : Petrificus Totalus!

Emma pulls the trigger and sends the electrodes into her former co-star’s back. Sending large amounts of electricity through his body.

EW : Is that enough to suffice gentlemen?

Narrator : As the medics arrive to take the barbs out of Daniel, the hosts debate on which medium range has the advantage.

Armand : I think this one is unanimous guys. The PT spell did damage, but it’s not a lethal hit. The trident is used as both offensive and defensive. The damage it did is insurmountable. Both in speed and force. My vote goes for the trident.

Geoff : Agreed, Doc. But a case could be made that after using the PT spell, one would follow up with an Unforgivable Curse. However, I doubt anyone from Team Potter would dare use that. So I am in agreement. Edge, Trident.

Mack : Looks like we’re all in agreement then. I say trident for all the reasons you just mentioned.

Narrator : The edge in Mid-Range weapons goes to the trident.

Narrator : Now onto Long Range attacks. Starting off is the Expecto Patronum in tandem with the Crucio.

In to help out is fellow Potter stars Matthew Lewis and Rupert Grint.

DR : Let’s get it started, gents.

ML : Ready Dan.

RG : In for a penny, in for a pound.

ML : The Expecto Patronum is a wave of good magic used to combat evil magic. Or evil entities. Think of it as a landslide. Nothing can stop it. It is the most powerful good magic spell in the Hogwarts arsenal.

RG : I’ll take over now Matthew. Next up is the Crucio curse. Remember when Emma used the stun gun on my mate?

Daniel is uncomfortable at the feeling.  
RG : Well, imagine that those volts are still there. And they don’t stop. That is what it is like. Only a thousand times worse. There is a reason why it’s one of the Unforgivable Curses.

Narrator : With no numbers to run, Team Jackson is confident that they can bring it. With their own one-two-punch attack. Summon the Dead and the classic Bow and Arrow.

RR : In both the novels and the movies, everyone at Camp Half-Blood is trained in archery combat. But those skills are nothing compared to the Hunters of Artemis. Maidens who give up their adulthood and follow the Moon Goddess. To show off their skills, we have our own archery expert.

AD : Thanks for letting me be here. It was so much fun unleashing arrow after arrow. It’s nice to see it in real-world situations.

LL : This way Alex. The DW guys have already set up multiple targets for you to let loose on.

Narrator : The three go outside to see five targets made to look like various characters from the books and films of Harry Potter. To add even more realism, they are on mobile stands. Giving the targets a mobile advantage.

Mack : Okay, Alex. Here’s what you’re facing. You have five moving targets, going about 15 mph. And in the Metric system that would be about 24.1 kph. But before we get onto that, the accelerometer must be used to gauge the speed first.

Geoff : That’s right Mack. When the arrow passes the first laser, it triggers the timer. When it hits the second laser, it stops. Showing us how fast the arrow is travelling.

Narrator : A stuffed mannequin is brought out to show accuracy.

Max : Fire when ever you are ready.

AD : Ready!

The arrow goes through the timer and hits the target dead center.

Max : Check this out guys! This is the fastest that any arrow has gone on the show to date! It peaked at 40 mph!

Armand : Damn! Remind me not to piss her off.

Geoff : OK. Now onto the favorite part. Shooting.

Mack : All right, Alex. You will be timed and the clock stops at 60 seconds. But to keep you moving, the targets have been placed with laser pointers. You must avoid them. If you don’t, you’re out.

AD : Understood. I am ready to go.

Mack : In 3, 2, 1, GO!

Alexandria moves like lightning. She hits target after target. Hitting them all in the neck and head.

Narrator : To inspect the shots, Doctor Armand Dorian gets a close-up on the damage.

Armand : Well. The neck shots are all in the jugular and clavicle arteries. Instant kills. And others show hits to the eyes and in the temples. They are all dead. No coming back.  
Max : Let’s take a look at the motion-activated camera to see if she got hit.

Geoff : Oh, man. See this right here? A laser hit her stomach. That will take her down.

RR : Not so fast. We still have an ace up our sleeve. Logan?

LL : This is a replica of the Stygian Iron Sword from the novels. This was forged in the fires of the Underworld. To the Prince of the Undead. Nico DiAngelo. Son of Hades. It is every bit the blade that Riptide is. But has the added bonus of the ultimate defensive measure.

AD : It can summon and control the Undead. Used only by Nico, himself.

Narrator : To show the intensity of the godly blade, the zombie horde from last year’s finale is brought back.

Logan holds the sword up to gather the zombies around him. Then points it at the, still standing, targets. The horde moves toward the moving targets and tears them to pieces.

Geoff : The Archers in tandem with Summon the Undead, I’d say that Percy takes this one.

Armand : I wouldn’t write that one off so fast, Geoff. The Crucio wouldn’t do anything to the Undead, but the Expecto Patronum would stop them in their tracks. My vote goes to Harry Potter.

Mack : Guys. Why can’t you see the forest from the trees? The Undead would provide the ultimate defense against Crucio. But the archers would be reigning down arrows. But the EP would halt them in their strides. This one is defiantly a wash.

Narrator : With a heated discussion behind the hosts, long-range attacks are dead even.

Narrator : Next up is special weapons. And in this case, it’s very special. For Team Jackson, fellow actor Brandon T. Jackson is brought in for the dreaded Panic Attack.

BTJ : This is first used in The Titan’s Curse. Where Grover uses it for the first time. It causes major pandemic against his foes. And the word pandemic comes from the Satyr God Pan. This is the ultimate defense in Psychological Warfare. This will have those British sissies running home to their mommas.

Narrator : And in for Team Potter is Tom Felton. Classroom bully and arch-rival to Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy.

TF : This spell is so wicked and powerful, only a handful of Death Eaters used this. This is the same spell that felled the great Dumbledore. It kills on contact. It doesn’t matter where you’re hit, you die. You are snuffed out, like a candle. You don’t get back up.

Narrator : The hosts soon gather their wits and decide on a winner.

Mack : This is possibly the hardest choice we’ve ever faced. It’s Psychological Warfare versus Instant Death. While the Panic Attack may cause death in the long run, the AK will definitely cause death. My edge goes to the Avada Kadavra.

Armand : I am in total agreement Mack. While this will give Percy an edge in Psychological Warfare, the dreaded curse will leave you dead.

Geoff : I guess we’re in total agreement.

Narrator : In Special Weapons, it goes to Harry Potter and the Avada Kadavra.

Narrator : Now we go onto a new category. Defense versus Offense. Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak versus Percy Jackson’s Invincibility from the River Styx.

RR : To defeat Cronos, Percy was dipped in the River Styx. And as such he has the ultimate armor. No weapon can pierce his skin. And only one other person knows of his weak spot.

JKR : Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak renders the wearer invisible to the naked eye. You can’t fight what you can’t see. And only one person ferreted Harry out in his cloak.

Mack : This is tough, but, I think invincibility beats invisibility hands down. With out knowing where to strike, Harry might as well be blind under that cloak.

Narrator : The edge goes to the River Styx Invincibility.

Narrator : With all the numbers run, it now boils down to the X-Factors.

Armand : OK, Max. What do we have?

Max : This was the most intensive search we’ve had to date. The team had to scour the novels of each hero. And watch the movies bit by bit. And after all that, the numbers were asserted running 1 to 100. 100 being the ultimate warrior.

Mack : Level with me Max. After all we’ve seen, where does Psychological Warfare rate?

Max : With the all important PW, it heavily swung toward Percy. Rating Percy at a 99, leaving Harry with a 1. This is in due to the fact that Percy makes his enemies tremble with fear. While Harry is nothing more than a fly to his enemies.

Geoff : What about leadership, Max? Both kids are accomplished leaders.

Max : For leadership it was so close. Percy has a 51 versus Harry’s 49. But in reality? That was a wash.

Armand : What about battlefield strategies?

Max : With that it went to Percy at 100. From day one, he was trained to be nothing but a warrior. Harry was trained to be a wizard. He has no combat training.

OK. The numbers are in and the x-factors are measured. Time to run the simulation.

Narrator : To prevent the outcome to be won by a lucky blow, the simulation will be run 5,000 times.

Max : Time to see who is the deadliest warrior.

Max hits the ‘Enter’ key on his pad.

TEAM POTTER : *****  
TEAM JACKSON : *****

Percy and his friends are training at Camp Half-Blood, when 5 strangers fall out of the sky. Percy gathers his campmates into a battle stance. Harry Potter opens his eyes to see a forest he is not familiar with. Hermione realizes that the Portkey had malfunctioned. And concludes that this is the States. The others awaken to see themselves surrounded by armor clad people not that older than themselves.

Harry shouts out an order. “Wands at the ready!” He, himself, drawing out the Sword of Gryphondor. 

Percy, recognizing the plan of attack, orders off his own. “Grover! Pan Attack! Now!” Percy drew out his trusty Riptide.

Grover, who is in the trees, lets loose a fearsome battle cry. That causes a cascading effect. Most of the trespassers fall to their knees, in fear.

Draco stands up and utters two words. “Avada Kadavra!” A beam of energy lets loose and strikes Grover dead.

TEAM POTTER : *****  
TEAM JACKSON : ****

Upon seeing he oldest friend cut down, Percy is enraged. He puts his sword back and picks up his Trident. Letting loose a battle cry that scatters the intruders around him. Percy plows into the murderer and impales him with the trident. The three pronged barbs are sticking out the back of him.

TEAM POTTER : ****  
TEAM JACKSON : ****

Percy is unable to remove the trident. Leaving him wide open to attack. But that is what he wants. Just as the others are about to recover, they are assaulted by remaining soldiers. Thalia is ready at the bow, but Hermione fires off a spell. “Petrificus Totalus.” A beam of light hits the daughter of Zeus and freezes her.

A red-haired boy stands up and fires off a spell that, under normal circumstances, he would never use. “Crucio.” Ron said. The magic hit Thalia, but in the process the two spells countered each other out.

Thalia comes to and fires an arrow right between the eyes. Ron is not getting back up.

TEAM POTTER : ***  
TEAM JACKSON : ****

Thalia then gives chase to Hermione. And cuts her off between two fallen trees. Cutting off her escape route. Just as she pulls her string back, a puff of air escapes her chest.

She turns around to see Harry standing behind her. Only his head is showing. Thalia drops and blood is gushing from the wound.

TEAM POTTER : ***  
TEAM JACKSON : ***

The two hear some rustling and stand at the ready. Only to have Neville jump out. The remaining three run to find better cover. They come across a young boy in a bomber’s jacket.

Nico raises his sword and legions of undead rise from the ground. And orders them to rip the encroachers to ribbons. Hermione shouts out what they are. “Zombies!” This gives Harry and Neville a clue what to use. They shout out the same spell. “Expecto Patronum!” they chorused.

The two manage to hold them off until they escape. The three back track to find Percy and Annabeth waiting for them. A gnarled looking hand grabbed Neville and dragged him back. Harry was helpless to see the ‘other’ chosen one torn limb from limb.

TEAM POTTER : **  
TEAM JACKSON : ***

Harry and Hermione divide and conquer. Harry starts swinging the sword and slices the undead, while Hermione used counter-spells to keep the others at bay.

Harry cuts a swath all the way to the puppet master. And impales the magical sword into Nico.

TEAM POTTER : **  
TEAM JACKSON : **

The undead return to the ground, leaving only the four of them left. Annabeth finds the weak spot and goes for it. She lets loose one of her daggers and cuts Hermione’s wand in half. And Hermione is then sliced through her stomach, entrails hanging out.

TEAM POTTER : *  
TEAM JACKSON : **

This enrages Harry so much he charges at Percy, his sword coming down on Percy’s unprotected chest. To Harry’s astonishment, the mighty sword shatters. The River Styx protection still works.

Before he can reach for his wand, a sword slices his head clean off. Looks like Harry will be seeing his parents sooner than he thought.

Leaving Percy and Annabeth to mourn their fallen friends.

TEAM POTTER :  
TEAM JACKSON : **

Narrator : The winner is Percy Jackson.

Max : After 5000 simulations, Percy Jackson won an astounding 4,900. It was really due in to the fact that Percy trained day in and day out for combat. He lived, breathed and ate as a warrior would.

Narrator : It was Percy’s overwhelming leadership and the Undead horde that sealed the victory.

Max : The Undead defeated Harry Potter 90% of the time.

LL : I guess Harry should have stayed in England.

RR : The better warrior won, and now it’s confirmed. Percy Jackson is the deadliest warrior.


	3. Once Upon a Time vs Grimm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The third chapter. Standard disclaimer still applies.

DEADLIEST WARRIOR : Grimm versus Once Upon a Time

Team Grimm [Nick, Sean Reynard, Kelly, Monroe and Rosalie] &  
Team OUaT [David, Snow, Rumplestiltskin, Red and Emma]

Narrator : Portland, Oregon. Home to the modern day descendent of the Grimm. Hunters of the Wessen. Creatures that spawned the stories told by the Grimm Brothers. Jacob and Wilhelm.

Storybrooke, Maine. Home to the real-life inspirations of the Grimm fairy tales. And the 2nd and 3rd Generations, as well. All full of magic and bravery.

Who…is…Deadliest?

In for this magical and meta-physical episode, we bring in the people that know the towns best. Rumplestiltskin and Captain Reynard. Also in are the people that are trusted the best. The chosen ones mothers. Snow White, aka Mary Margaret. And Kelly Burkhardt. The only other Grimm that is still alive

In for today’s world shattering episode are returning hosts from Deadliest Warrior. ER physician Doctor Armand Dorian. Bio-medical engineer Geoff Desmoulins. Retired Navy SEAL team member Richard “Mack” Machowicz. And computer expert Max Geiger.

Geoff : This is the most far out episode to date. More so than Vampires versus Zombies.

Armand : In this episode we will be testing mortal and magical weapons.

Narrator : We’ll start off with the tale of the tape. The warriors were chosen by differences and similarities. Both teams use firearms and magic. Bladed weapons and superhuman abilities.

The hosts were almost giddy when they approached Rumplestiltskin.

Armand : So do we call you Dark One, Rumplestiltskin, Beast?

He scowls at the doctor.

Rumplestiltskin : Only my girlfriend calls me ‘Rumplestiltskin’. You can call me Mr. Gold.

This freaks out Armand some.

Geoff : Understood Mr. Gold. So what do you have for weapons?

Snow White pushes in a cart with several different weapons.

Snow White : Here we have are various swords, bows and firearms.

Mr. Gold walks over and goes through them.

Gold : Here are the many weapons used by both good and evil. Starting off with the simple 6-shot revolver. Accurate and deadly.

Narrator : The Smith and Wesson 6-shot revolver. The previous generation’s sidearm for law enforcement. Dealer of death for many of criminals.

Outside there are six small and four medium sized blood filled spheres.

The hosts lead both teams out to show them the targets.

Mack : All right. What we have here are spheres filled with fake blood. The same used in shoot outs in both TV and films.

Reynard : A TV is a small box which you can see moving pictures.

The insult went into Gold.

Gold : You’re just lucky I signed a contract with my girlfriend. Belle would be upset with me if I broke our deal.

Snow moved the town’s pawn owner to the side.

Snow : I will be the one to use the gun. My daughter gave me pointers.

Reynard and Kelly were clueless to this revelation.

Snow lined up the pistol with the first target.

Geoff : On three Snow. 1. 2. 3! Light ‘em up!

Snow fired off round after round.

Narrator : Time is important. Time that is lost while reloading.

Snow reloaded and fired at the larger balls.

Snow : Done!

Armand stepped forward to inspect the damage.

Armand : Uh-oh. I see, one – two – three, missed targets. Accuracy is key here at the fight club.

Narrator : Next up is the team representing the line of the Grimm. And the Berretta 9 mm. Used by both local and federal agencies. In for this test is Captain Sean Reynard. C.O. of the Portland Police Department.

Mack : You will go through the same as Snow did. Same targets, same time. You ready, captain?

Reynard pulled out his side arm. And got into a shooting stance.

Mack : [chuckles] Right on, man. On 3. 1, 2, 3!

Multiple shots rang out and hit every target.

Narrator : Because of the clip holding more rounds, the reload is faster and more efficient.

Reynard : Done and done!

The barrel is still smoking.

Armand walks over and inspects the damage.

Armand : Wow. Every target is decimated. Time to check out the footage.

Geoff : Look at this. The Smith and Wesson hit the targets on center. But Snow still missed three targets.

Mack : Agreed. But the Berretta did a better job of hitting the targets and accomplished the job. Plus the reload time is a snap.

Max : So we are in agreement then?

The others nodded.

Narrator : For the battle of mid-range weapons goes to the Berretta 9 mm.

Narrator : Next up is short range weapons. First is the English broadsword. Used on the battlefield of the past and in current day Storybrooke.

Gold : This is the same sword used by Prince David during his time in the Enchanted Forrest. And slayed the dragon form of Maleficent. And also used by his own daughter to do the same. 28 years later.

Narrator : To show it’s astounding formidable astonishment, Gold will go against several different foam targets. Filled with blood bags.

Max : Before you show us your skills, we need you to deliver the numbers. Here is a gel square with a sensor pad. Upon impact, it will send a message to the computer. And tell us how strong the impact will be.

Max tried to keep his cool. He didn’t need Snow White and Mr. Gold to get mad at him.

Snow : It’s alright, Max. Our grandson told us all about computers. We are not as backwards as you may think.

Gold : I am ready to show you how a REAL man uses a sword.

He raises the sword up and slams it onto the table. The impact penetrates the pad, gel and table.

Geoff : Max, dude, tell me there was a number to get into the computer.

Max looked at the display. And turned it around.

Max : This is definitely a first. The spike shot up so much that it was almost unreadable. This is the highest and most powerful blow seen on the show. I can’t wait to see what other damage this sword can do.

Gold smiled.

Gold : I am ready to go, dearies.

Gold sliced each target with precision and brutality. A pop-up target surprised the former Dark One. And lobbed the head right off.

Snow : And that is why he is called the Dark One.

Narrator : With the numbers run for the Sword, the hosts turn their attention to what Captain Reynard and Kelly have to show. The mighty scythe. Dreaded weapon of the Reapers. Psychopathic headhunters whose only purpose is to kill the Grimm.

Reynard : This is the same one I once used to slice the ear off a Reaper that was sent after Nick.

This caught Kelly’s attention.

Kelly : You did? Nick never told me that.

She blushes as Sean grins at her.

Armand : I’m sorry to interrupt the love session, but, we have to see what this can do. You will go through the same paces as Mr. Gold did.

Captain Reynard is all set to measure the force of impact.

Max : As you can see, we learned from Mr. Gold’s excursion. The sensor pad and gel pad are supported underneath by Kevlar. The same material used in your bullet-resistant vests.

With one mighty swing, Captain Reynard hits the pad without penetration.

Max : OK. The impact is devastating, but not as much as the sword was.

Reynard : True. But I was showing restraint. I know when to cut back and cut loose.

Mack : And that goes to the X-Factor of Training. But now we see how well it performs in battlefield applications.

Geoff : We’ve replaced the targets with the same ones as before. Any time when you’re ready Captain.

Reynard hits all targets and is a little worn out.

Armand : As you can see, the targets are hit and bleeding. But there are varying degrees of damage. Some are hits, but some are only non-lethal.

Mack : Agreed, Doc. And as you can see, Captain Reynard is exhausted. This goes to the X-Factor of Fatigue.

Narrator : After deliberating the effectiveness, the hosts settle on a choice.

Geoff : I have to go with the Broadsword. It did a better job of decimating the targets and didn’t tire out the user.

Mack : While the reaper did a better job at intimidation, the sword was the better weapon in all categories.

Armand : I agree. The Prince’s blade out preformed the reaper.

Narrator : With a unanimous decision, the English Broadsword cut down the terrifying scythe.

Narrator : Next is the long range attacks. First up is the crossbow. Dealer of death by the dozens.

Armand : OK, Mrs. Burkhardt. Could you explain to me what the Grimm would use for long-range attacks?

Catherine picks up a menacing crossbow.

Kelly : You may have had other crossbows before, but none designed for destroying Wessen that can reach out and kill you before you can even take your first breath.

Doctor Dorian is intimidated by this fact.

Armand : Okay. Understood. How about we measure how fast the bolt can travel.

Max : This is chronometer. The first laser triggers the start. The second laser stops the timer. And this will tell us how fast the bolt travels.

Narrator : The previous generation’s Grimm aims through the lasers and lets loose.

The bolt strikes down the target.

Max : Okay. The number is in and the bolt travelled at 60 mph. That is the fastest crossbow bolt that travelled on the show.

Mack : Now we’ll see how fast you can act on the field.

Narrator : Six targets are set up with Tanerite. Explosive material to show massive damage.

Geoff : These targets are filled with Tanerite. Both in the torso and the head. If either section is hit, we’ll know if the targets are dead.

Armand : Anytime you’re ready.

Narrator : To increase time and efficiency, Catherine will be assisted by Reynard.

Geoff : Look at them go. But the reload time is critical.

Mack : True. But they are not slowing down in the least.

Max : And all the targets are being hit dead-on.

Kelly : Done!

Narrator : Doctor Armand Dorian is inspecting the damage.

Armand : Wow. All the targets were hit with pinpoint accuracy. We haven’t seen this even with modern day firearms.

Narrator : But the Storybrooke team are ready to show they have what it takes to be the best. With the Longbow. Used since the time of early humans. As shown on cave paintings.

Snow : This is the English Longbow. The same used in this world and ours.

Max : Very well, your highness. First we need to measure the speed of one of your arrows.

Narrator : Snow White unleashes an arrow that finds it’s target.

Max : Whoa. Not as fast as the crossbow, it still attained speeds up to 55 mph.

Geoff : Now we see how well you perform outside.

Mack : As you can see, you will go through the same pace as the others did. Any time you’re ready.

Snow White unleashes arrow upon arrow and they all hit their target.

Narrator : Without the grueling reload time, Snow White finishes off the targets in less than half the time of the crossbow. Now the judges must decide who has the greater long-range weapon.

Mack : The crossbow has a faster time. But the longbow has the quicker draw.

Geoff : Agreed, Mack. While the crossbow has the more powerful punch, it takes much longer to reload and fire. My edge goes to the Longbow.

Narrator : In the test of long-range attacks, the English Longbow outshoots the Crossbow.

Narrator : Now the judges go onto the individual X-Factors.

Armand : OK. Both teams have magic. But which one has the deadlier magic?

Mack : Rosalie does perform magic, but that’s more like apothecary. Not alchemy.

Geoff : I agree. Mr. Gold has spent eons to develop the most dreaded and dark magic of all.

Max : And both teams have werewolves. But who is the deadliest among them?

Geoff : Both are deadly and terrifying, but Ruby takes that to a whole other level. She actually turns into a wolf the size of a Short Faced Bear.

Armand : True, and also the possibility of one being turned on in the process.

The others look at him like he’s grown a second head.

Armand : Hey! Don’t judge me!

Max : Now onto the main X-Factors. My team has developed them going from 1 to 100. 100 being the deadliest warrior.

Mack : What about Battlefield Experience?

Max : For Battlefield Experience we rated Storybrooke at 90 and Portland at a 10.

Geoff : That makes sense. Most of the citizens of Storybrooke have fought in multiple wars. And while the Grimm have battled, that is far different from open armed combat.

Armand : How would you measure Psychological Warfare?

Max : For that, Storybrooke took the cake. It was an overwhelming 97 to 3. While the Grimm’s show terror into their foes, it still isn’t the same as Rumplestiltskin, Prince David and Red Riding Hood.

Max paused for a second.

Max : Did anyone else feel the hair on the back of their neck stand on end? Weird. Anyway, now it’s time to plug in the numbers and see what happens. To prevent a lucky blow to determine the final kill, the simulation will run for 5,000 battles.

Max walks over to the computer and hits the ‘Enter’ key.

Grimm : *****  
OUaT : *****

The silent hamlet of Storybrooke woke to another day. The combined families of the ‘Charming’ clan and the ‘Dark Lord’ clan. Also is Ruby, aka Red Riding Hood, went out to see something different.

Several cars with Oregon plates drive into town.

The Grimm family and allies received a tip of Wessen on the loose in Maine. They exit the cars and Ruby senses another werewolf. This triggers her transformation.

Monroe lets loose his own ‘face’. Before they knew what happened, an oversized wolf tackles Monroe and tears him apart.

Grimm : ****  
OUaT : *****

The sheer act causes fear in the interlopers. But Nick gathers his wits and unloads a clip into the wolf. Several blood spouts gush out the life sustaining liquid. Ruby is gone.

Grimm : ****  
OUaT : ****

This skirmish causes the rest of the residents to confront the strangers. Emma drew her pistol as her mother has her bow at the ready. Gold has magic at the ready and Prince David is set with his sword.

This causes Reynard to whip out his ‘borrowed’ Reaper scythe as Kelly brings out a loaded crossbow. Nick is at the ready with his sidearm. And Rosalie is distraught at the sight of her boyfriend. “Rosalie! Snap out of it!” Nick yells at the apothecary specialist.

She stands up and enters her Wogel side. This shocks the local residents, but they stand their ground.

Rumplestiltskin unleashes a dark spell upon Nick, but Rosalie uses her own skills to counter the Dark Lord’s spell. Kelly unleashed a bolt that cuts down the dark one. But him being full of magic, the mortal weapon does nothing. This causes Snow to let an arrow fly fast enough to strike Kelly before the crossbow could be reloaded.

Grimm : ***  
OUaT : ****

Captain charges Charming, his scythe swing down. Only to be deflected by the prince’s sword. The blades clash again, but the magical weapon cuts down the scythe. Ready for the kill, David is pushed to the side by a rampaging Rosalie. This leaves the prince open to Reynard shooting him full of lead. And Nick grabs the discarded crossbow aiming at Snow. The bolt knocks her off her feet and takes her life.

Grimm : ***  
OUaT : **

Rumplestiltskin uses another spell to, literately, to melt the flesh off of their bodies.

Grimm : *  
OUaT : **

Nick finds himself cover, and reloads his pistol. A screeching voice catches his attention. “Had enough, dearie?” The hair on the back of his head stands on end. Nick whips around the unloads his entire clip into the Dark One. But with so many bullets in his body, Gold is not getting back up.

Grimm : *  
OUaT : *

Emma charges in close as Nick gets ready to unleash another round. There is an audible ‘click’ heard.

Emma scowls at Nick. “You picked the wrong town to invade.” One good round hits Nick between the eyes.

Grimm :   
OUaT : *

Narrator : Winner – Once Upon a Time

Max : With 5,000 battles run, the team from Storybrooke won 3,075 of them. This was due in the fact that some of the warriors have had multiple generations of combat. And they had more powerful magic available on hand.

Armand : It wasn’t surprising that the team from Portland had such a high ranking. But that wasn’t enough for the Grimm to defeat Storybrooke.

Narrator : Rumplestiltskin’s spells were countered by Rosalie’s apothecary skills. Which countered them 56% of the battles.

Gold : Never bet against the pony that’s been around the bend for a while.

Snow : Going in, we knew that our battle experience would pay off. But now we know we are the deadliest warriors.


	4. General Joshua vs Goliath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is chapter 4.

DEADLIEST WARRIOR : GENERAL JOSHUA VERSUS GOLIATH

Narrator : Joshua. The general who led the Israelite army on a non-stop path of destruction on the FATHER’S enemies.

Goliath. The terror of the Philistine army. The largest warrior in the Bible.

Who…is…Deadliest?

Narrator : In this biblical battle, we bring together doctors, scientists, experts and groundbreaking innovators from The Bible TV mini-series, to see which warrior will be on top. For the numbers and tests we have Doctor Armand Dorian. His experience in the LA ER, he will decide which weapon will do the worst killing.

Also in is Geoff Desmoulins, former paramedic and Black Belt. He will test the numbers run from the hits. Computer expert Max Geiger will determine how the numbers will affect the outcome. And finally former Navy SEAL, Richard “Mack” Machowicz. He will study the battles and the weapons used.

Mack : I have to say, this is the most exciting test to date. We are not just testing warriors. We are testing two of the most iconic warriors of all time.

Dorian : I agree. This is probably going to be the hardest test to run. There have been experts on both sides debating the existence of each one.

Max : I think this is going to be dead even all the way. There is no way to say who will be the victor.

Geoff : We’ll just have to let the numbers run to see who wins.

Narrator : To settle the debate people from in front of the camera, and behind, will be brought in to help clarify the confusion. Up first is Director Tony Mitchell and actor Andrew Scarborough. They worked together in the episode “Homeland”. Andrew played the role of Joshua. Also in is scriptwriter Richard Bedser.

Andrew : Joshua is the general of the Israelite army and successor of Moses. He had the longest running campaign in the entire Old Testament.

Mitchell : Joshua will fell Goliath. Just like David did. The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

Narrator : To bring light on Goliath is writer Colin Swash and actor Conan Stevens. Also in is co-spearhead and Executive Producer Mark Burnett.

Swash : True Joshua battled Philistines, but he never battled anyone like Goliath. Sheer force will determine Joshua’s fate.

Stevens : Goliath and his brothers will destroy Joshua and his army. (In 2nd Kings, it mentions Goliath and his brothers.)

Narrator : First up is Special Weapons. And in this case, it’s very special. In for Team Joshua is the Ark of the Covenant.

Mitchell : The Ark of the Covenant was built to house the 10 Commandments. It was also worshipped as the seat of the LORD. It was then only carried by the Levite priests.

Bedser : The Ark was also blessed by Jehovah. Anyone not worthy to touch it, they did not live to tell the tale. Lightning shot from it and caused massive boils and sores. A foreign king once secured it, and returned it because it was causing his people pain and suffering.

Narrator : To show the damage capable of inflicting an electrical discharge, we will bring in a Tesla coil. To prevent any undo damage, the test will be done at the firing range.

Geoff : OK. We have several targets set up. Now, we all know that on contact, the Ark will kill. But could it shoot out and deliver a shock to short out the central nervous system?

Max : The coil is set up. It will be remotely triggered.

Mack : So. On three. One, two, THREE! Light him up!

Narrator : The coil delivers a massive light show that has discharges on the targets. And other places.

Geoff : Check this out. One of the cameras shorted out. Electrical burn.

Dorian : Yeah. But we’re here to see what it will do to the enemies.

Mack : True. Let’s go check it out.

Narrator : Upon examination the hosts see that some are hits and some are misses.

Max : I see two hits. Take a look at this Doc. What do you see?

Dorian : I see it and I still don’t believe it. The electricity generated caused 3rd Degree burns. Complete with blisters.

Geoff : And this much damage will definitely stop a heart. Especially a heart as big as Goliath’s.

Narrator : In for Goliath is not strictly a weapon, but it is quite intimidating.

Stevens : Goliath was huge and scary. So much so that all of Saul’s troops refused to face him. I imagine that would be the same for Joshua.

Mack shakes his head.

Mack : I appreciate the enthusiasm, Conan. But intimidation is not the name of the game. Psychological Warfare does come into play. But as an X-Factor. Scaring your opponent will not kill him. Special Weapons goes to the Ark of the Covenant.

Narrator : In the ruling of Special Weapons, it goes to Joshua and the Ark.

Narrator : Up next is to see who has the best Mid-Range weapons. To test this, team Goliath brings in the spear that Goliath used.

Stevens : This is the same type of spear that Goliath used.

Dorian : Holy crap! That thing is huge!

Burnett : That is true Doctor. This spear is recreated from the specifications described in 1st Samuel.

Swash : This should give you a fairly good idea to see how big Goliath was.

Narrator : To see this in action, we bring in a World-Class Strongman. To wield the massive weapon.

Strongman : When I was a kid, I was scared of Goliath. That’s probably why I became a strongman to begin with. So I won’t be afraid of him anymore.

Geoff : Thank you for being here. What I’m doing here is attaching an accelerometer on the spear shaft. It will measure the speed and impact done to the target we’ve set up.

Narrator : To show the damage done to the human body gel torso is set up with internal organs and bones.

Mack : Anytime you’re ready.

The strongman gripped the spear and ran it through the target.

Strongman : Is this good enough?

Geoff : I think ‘hell, yes’ sums it up.

Richard : That’s mighty impressive. Against an unarmored, static target. But Joshua wore Bronze armor. Let’s see that again with the breast plating.

Narrator : Another target is brought in, wearing the same armor that Joshua and his army wore.

Burnett : Time for round 2.

Narrator : The strongman takes aim and strikes.

Dorian : OK. Let’s check out the damage.

Narrator : Doctor Dorian inspects for any trauma inflicted.

Dorian : I did not expect this. The spearhead severed the armor and hit the lung. And did damage to the spine.

Strongman : I was actually aiming for the heart, Doc.

Dorian nods.

Dorian : Understood. But this hit will cause excruciating pain. Blood fills the lung and the second hit will leave him paralyzed. This man is already dead. He just doesn’t know it.

Narrator : Next up is team Joshua with their own mid-range weapon. The simple, and deadly, sling. Used since the beginning of armed combat.

Andrew : This is the same type that David used to fell Goliath. David swung it around his head and the stone killed Goliath. After that, he decapitated the giant with the sword that Goliath had.

Narrator : To get an accurate reading, a 3-time winning slinger is brought in to use the weapon.

Max : We have a crash test dummy set up to take the same kind of hits that Goliath would have had. Let’s see if these hits will take him out.

Slinger : Got it.

Mack : Listen to the whipping of the leather cord. That will definitely give Joshua an edge in Intimidation. You don’t know where the strike will come from.

Narrator : The stone is let loose and strikes the head.

Geoff : Oh, man. Look at this guys.

Mack : Seeing is definitely believing in this case.

Max : The stone cracked the head in two. Let’s go check the numbers.

Dorian : Am I reading this right, guys?

Geoff : You are. This is the same as being in a head-on collision on an ATV.

Mack : I think we’re going to have to call this one a wash. Guys?

Geoff : Damage is damage. Both did the job and both did it spectacularly.

Dorian : Agreed. Max?

Max : I think I’ll let the numbers speak for themselves.

Narrator : In the battle of Mid-Range weapons, they’re dead even.

Narrator : Now onto the integral X-Factor of Battlefield Tactics.

Mack : OK, Tony. Give me an example of Joshua’s use of strategy.

Mitchell : Take us to Jericho. The most famous and discussed battle among biblical scholars.

Mack : Alright. We’re at Jericho. What happens next?

Mitchell : First off, Joshua sent spies inside to gather info and a prostitute gave them shelter. Rehab, the woman, ended up being in the lineage of Jesus Christ.

Mack : So Joshua already knew what was going on. This is mighty impressive. What else did he do?

Mitchell : On the outside, he had his men march around the city for seven days. And on the seventh day, they blew their trumpets. Then the LORD brought the walls down. Crash and burn.

Mack : Overkill is, indeed, underrated.

Narrator : When it came to close range combat, both sides uses sharpened swords. Up first is Joshua and Egyptian Sickle Sword. Made up of Bronze and multi-plated.

Bedser : This is the Egyptian Sickle Sword. Used by Joshua and the armies of Israel. Made of solid bronze.

Geoff : Forgive my ignorance, but what are Israeli soldiers doing with Egyptian weapons? I thought they were slaves?

Bedser : Upon leaving Egypt, the Hebrews were given supplies to survive. Supplies including weapons. Like swords. (See the Book of Exodus)

Narrator : To test the cutting power of the sword, a bull carcass is brought in to stand in for Goliath.

Andrew : This sword is better used for lobbing off limbs and decapitation.

Geoff : What I’m going to do is strap this accelerometer on your wrist. This will tell us how fast you’re swinging the blade.

Mack : On, 3. One. Two. Three! Slice him up!

Andrew swings and hits with precision and speed.

Dorian : Ok, Andrew. Coming up behind you.

Andrew puts the sword away.

Dorian : Let’s see where you hit. Arms, Neck, Legs.

Andrew : All the spots where there is no armor.

Mack : This would go to the X-Factor of training.

Narrator : In for Goliath is the Steel Sword. Heavy and deadly accurate.

Stevens : This sword is the same type that Goliath used. And the one that David decapitated him with.

Narrator : To show the extensiveness of the weapon, the Strongman is brought back to use it on a pig carcass. The closest thing to human flesh.

Geoff : This is the same one used before. It will measure the speed of the swing. Any time when you’re ready.

Strongman : [Battle cry]

Narrator : The steel blade went through the pig completely.

Dorian : No need to do an analysis, here. This guy is more than dead. He died a couple of times over.

Max : Without looking at the numbers, I can tell the Steel Sword is far deadlier. My vote goes to the Steel Sword.

Narrator : In the test of Short Range weapons, Goliath’s Steel Sword cut down the Egyptian Sickle Sword.

Narrator : Now onto battle strategy and tactics of Goliath.

Mack : Ok, Colin. What is the best example of Goliath in battle?

Swash : We need to go to the Valley of Elah.

Mack : Alright. Tell me what is happening.

Swash : The Philistines brought in Goliath to intimidate the Hebrews to surrender. And for a while it worked. None of Saul’s soldiers would go out.

Mack : But soon that turns sour.

Swash : That is correct. A young man named David stood up and took down Goliath.

Mack : In a battle to be determined by combat effectiveness, I have to go with the man that led a life-long campaign.

Narrator : In the X-Factor of Battlefield Tactics goes to Joshua.

Narrator : No onto Long Range weapons. Up first is the Bow and Arrow. Demonstrated by Andrew Scarborough.

Geoff : What we have here Andrew is a chronometer, or a speed trap. The laser triggers the start. The second stops it.

Geoff : We have a target all set up for you. Go when ever your ready.

Andrew unleashes the arrow and it slams into the throat.

Dorian : Let’s see what damage was done.

Narrator : Doctor Dorian inspects it and finds something interesting.

Dorian : Judging from the size and dimensions of Goliath, this arrow severed the main artery and would lead to a quick bleed out. No question this is an instant kill.

Narrator : Now onto the long range weapon of Goliath. The deadly spear.

Mack : I see that you brought out the spear once again. Why is that?

Stevens : This can also be used as long range. Thrown from a distance.

Strongman : Thanks for letting me use weapons today. It was a real thrill.

Narrator : The strongman takes aim…and misses. He continues to do so until the spear hits the target.

Geoff and Mack walk over. Shaking their heads.

Geoff : No disrespect intended, guys, but that was almost humiliating to watch.

Mack : Sadly, I have to agree. If I were Goliath or one of his brothers, I’d make sure the spear would stay Mid-Range. And not Long Range.

Max : With the need for Long Range attacks, speed and accuracy are key. The spear was hit or miss. But the Egyptian Bow and Arrow are deadly accurate. At a 45 degree angle, the arrow can go from one end zone to the other.

Narrator : The tests for Long Range attacks go to Joshua and the Egyptian Bow.

Narrator : Next is the measuring of X-Factors. Things that cannot be determined through decimation.

Max : We’ve had a team of scholars put together a list of X-Factors going from 1 to 100. 100 being the ultimate warrior.

Mack : What about Intimidation, Max?

Max : This is actually a first for Deadliest Warrior, Mack. The X-Factor of Intimidation is a complete wash. 50/50 right down the middle. Goliath had his size and strength going for him. And Joshua was so well known, that it was when, and not if, they would die.

Geoff : What about Military Training?

Max : When it comes to training, Joshua takes the cake. He had an 85 versus Goliath’s 15. Joshua was training not one, but two generations of warriors. That sealed the deal.

Dorian : What about Psychological Wellbeing?

Max : For that we had to study both warriors and mental health books. Joshua has a 30 to Goliath’s 70. Joshua probably had some kind of dissociative behavior, but he knew who his allies were. And his enemies. Goliath probably was flat out homicidal.

Mack : What about Generalship?

Max : Generalship went all the way to Joshua. He got a full on 100. Joshua led a life-long campaign to eradicate the enemies of the Hebrew state. He never lost a single battle.

Max : OK. The numbers are run and the X-Factors are measured. Time to see who is the Deadliest Warrior.

Max punches in the ‘Enter’ key.

Joshua and his men have just left Jericho. Where they encounter massive men. At least twice as tall as them, and just as wide. He stops the convoy and orders them to retreat. The Levites put down the Ark and leave as well. Only Joshua, Caleb and 3 others stay behind.

Joshua : *****  
Goliath : *****

Goliath and his brothers yell and it echoes through the valley. “Stand your ground, men!” Joshua orders them. As soon as the brutes are in range, Joshua makes the next order. “Archers at the ready!” He lowered his hand and the arrows flew off. Two arrows crisscrossed and impaled the neck of one of the giants.

Joshua : *****  
Goliath : ****

Joshua sees the giants are enclosing fast. He realizes that the bows are not ineffective. “Bows down! Slingers up!” Joshua ordered. The whipping sound reverberated through the land. This caused some of the remaining giants to halt. “Unleash the stones!” The slingers let loose and unleashed the stones and three of them took out one of the stragglers.

Joshua : *****  
Goliath : ***

By now Goliath is fed up. He picks up the two spears on the ground and shoves one in the giant next to him. “Kill them!” The two giants throw the spears and impales one Hebrew and misses the one next to him.

Joshua : ****  
Goliath : ***

Joshua is infuriated now. “Slingers down! Swords at the ready! Shields up!” They follow his order to a ‘T’. “Stand by, men!” They stood fast. Just as the giants were on top of them. Joshua orders the retreat. They run behind the Ark of the Covenant. They pray for guidance from HE who is most HIGH.

One of the giants reaches them and grabs the Ark. A lightning bolt surges through the massive Philistine and stops his heart.

Joshua : ****  
Goliath : **

Goliath and his remaining brother make quick work of two of the Hebrew warriors. A spear goes through ones armor and severs the spinal column. The other is run clean through.

Joshua : **  
Goliath : **

Caleb takes his sword and slices the throat of the giant. He falls to the ground and bleeds out.

Joshua : **  
Goliath : *

Goliath grips his sword and cleaves Caleb in two.

Joshua : *  
Goliath : *

Joshua grabs his sword and sling. And retreats to a better position to use his sling. He whips it around with enough force to lodge a stone into Goliath’s eye.

He drops to the ground on his knees. He drops his sword to cover his hemorrhaged eye.

Joshua runs up to deliver the death blow. And slices Goliath’s head clean off.

He picks up the head and shouts to the sky. “For the GREAT I AM!”

Narrator : WINNER – Joshua

Max : After running the simulation for 5,000 battles, Joshua emerged victorious for a massive 4,900 battles.

Narrator : It was in combination with the multitude of X-Factors in his favor and the Ark of the Covenant that won 98% of the battles.

Mack : Going into this, I had a sneaking suspicion that Joshua would win.

Andrew : If Goliath was unable to defeat a Sheppard boy, what makes you think he could defeat the greatest general in the history of all Israel?

Mitchell : It’s not surprising, really. Joshua led a non-stop campaign to eradicate the FATHER’S enemies. The only way he stopped was when he died of old age.

Geoff : Not only is Joshua the only undefeated warrior in the Bible, he’s also the deadliest.


	5. Pirate vs Knight, Round 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A rematch from Season 1.

DEADLIEST WARRIOR : PIRATE VS. KNIGHT round 2

Narrator : Given the massive feedback from Season 1’s groundbreaking episode, the experts are back for a more in-depth look at the warriors.

The Knight. Battlefield slayer of the Medieval era.

The Pirate. Mercenary marauder of the high seas.

Who…is…truly…the Deadliest Warrior?

Bringing back experts from both sides are David Coretti and Josh Paugh in for the 15th Century French Knight. While David Hernandez and Michael Triplett are ready to defend the 18th Century British Pirate.

To see if the Pirate will prevail again, or the Knight will be the winner for once, are returning hosts. Richard “Mack” Machowicz, retired Navy SEAL, will be in to determine if the weapons will be accurate. Doctor Armand Dorian will examine the damage done to the human body. Geoff Desmoulins will determine the amount of damage done. And Max Geiger will run the numbers to see which weapon is indeed deadlier.

Mack : I can’t believe the amount of outrage from this one episode.

Geoff : I was there and I still can’t believe it. But, hopefully, this will silence all parties once and for all.

Dorian : Agreed. Let’s re-test the weapons.

Narrator : David Coretti brings out the Morning Star, again. It would swing out and deliver a killing blow.

Coretti : First off, I want to thank you for giving Josh and I another chance. As you all know, this is the Morning Star. The last thing many a people would ever see.

Mack : I get the feeling you’re not exaggerating, David. Can you show us what it can do to a stand-alone target?

Narrator : A gel torso with simulated organs and bones is brought. To keep himself safe, David must wear Kevlar.

Geoff : Anytime you are ready, Dave.

David nods. And swings in an arc.

Josh : Woo-hoo! That’s even better the second time around!

Narrator : The Morning Star made contact and emptied the contents of the skull with one blow.

Dorian : I still think the Morning Star should be called “The Good-Night Star”. And with good reason. 

Narrator : To prevent unwanted injuries, David put the Morning Star back in the weapon’s case.

David pulls off the helmet.

Coretti : Well. I think he’s dead.

Geoff : True, but now we’re going to do something different. Now you will be attacking a moving target.

Coretti : Bring it on.

Narrator : They are brought over to a pig carcass on a zip-line.

Mack : This will simulate the speed that a pirate would run away from or evade a Knight.

Max : This is timed. So you have until the pig crosses this line to make contact. And then we will determine to see if it is a killing blow.

Geoff : Also you will have to chase the pirate stand-in. So you will be given a 5 second delay.

Narrator : David puts the helmet back on and arms himself with the Morning Star.

Geoff : On 3. 1. 2. 3! Go!

Geoff lets go of the pig and it zips.

Mack : Now, Dave!

David chases the pig and delivers a hit.

Dorian : Behind you, David. Let’s see here. A solid blow the sternum. Shattered it and penetrated the heart. This is definitely a kill.

Narrator : Up next the Knight’s armor is tested against the Pirate’s Grenado.

Narrator : Before further tests can be done, we take a look at the weapons wielded by the warriors.

For the Pirate we have the following :  
Grenado,  
Flintlock Pistol,  
Blunderbuss,  
Cutlass,  
and the Boarding Axe.

And for the Knight there is :  
Morning Star,  
Crossbow,  
Halberd,  
Broadsword  
and the Steel Plate Armor.  
Also in for consideration, will be the Knight’s horse.

Narrator : The team is out on the bombing range to accurately re-test the Pirate Grenado.

Hernandez : You guys again? I thought we killed you last time.

Triplett : Chill, man. The Grenado beat the Morning Star last time. It will do so again.

Geoff : What we did this time is add shock patches. Red equals dead. The yellow shock patches mean he’s out cold. The green ones mean he is truly dead.

Narrator : Geoff applies shock patches to the gel torso. While leaving the foam targets clean.

Josh : This time the Curies will not be the only thing on it. Sure the Knight has the plate armor, but underneath it was Ring Mail armor. And to take the sting off the blow, was wool padding underneath that. Think of it as a quilt sewn for your body.

Mack : Good to know. The Grenado is all set up. Let’s head to behind the blast shield.

Geoff : Fire in the hole!

Geoff pulls the trigger and an explosion rocks the targets.

Dorian : All right. Let’s go check the carnage.

Mack : The foam targets are all but blown away.

Geoff : Yes. But we are here to determine if the pressure wave will cause damage.

Narrator : The different layers of armor is removed, and the padding.

Dorian : Well, I’ll be damned. The shock patches were not tripped.

Geoff : For real? The 75 and 100g patches are intact. I am constantly being surprised on this show.

Mack : I think it’s clear that the Knight will be uninjured.

Narrator : Edge. The Knight’s Morning Star.

Up next, long range attacks are measured and the tension mounts. As to see who will. Pirate or Knight?

Narrator : The question. If a Knight and Pirate fought, who would win?

Now testing will be done on Long-Range weapons. In for the Knight is the Arbalest Crossbow.

Geoff : Since the speed is still in the computer, we’ll just have you go for accuracy this time Dave. Sound good?

Coretti : Perfect.

Narrator : David lines up the shot and let’s loose the bolt.

Dorian : Let’s go take a look.

Geoff : Same level of penetration, and look where the hit was Doc.

Dorian : In the Aorta vessel. Instant death.

Narrator : To prove the Flintlock pistol will do the job, Michael Triplett is brought in to finish the job he started before.

Triplett : The drawback of the smooth bore is that it doesn’t go where you want to. As we saw last time. So this time I’m aiming higher.

Coretti : Hold up. That’s too high. You’ll hit the head.

Mack : David. Hold your horses. Michael knows what he’s doing.

Triplett : Fire in the hole!

Narrator : The ball hits it’s target. But is still deflected.

Geoff : Looks like the armor did it’s job, even at the thinnest part.

Dorian : Agreed. This is history repeating itself.

Narrator : The Edge in Long-Range weapons go to the Knight again.

Next the Mid-Range weapons are used. Then the final battle between the two will be revealed.

Narrator : Last test revealed the Crossbow outshooting the Flintlock. Now the Pirates bring in the very first Shotgun. The Blunderbuss. Able to clear a path to get to a pirate’s main goal. Money.

David : This is the Blunderbuss. Great for causing confusion on decks. And taking multiple enemies out at once.

Narrator : To see if the Blunderbuss can accurately penetrate the armor, a trip back to the firing range is warranted.

Triplett : This time I was careful when filling the powder. To prevent any misfires.

Narrator : Meanwhile, both Knight experts outfit the foam target with the same as at the firing range. And for added measure, the shield is brought in.

Triplett : Fire in the hole!

Narrator : Michael unleashed a fury of BB sized pellets.

Triplett : Weapon down!

Geoff : Let’s see what we have here.

Mack : The initial blast knocked the shield down. And we can see some dents and one hole.

Narrator : Geoff removes the armor, only to reveal a death blow.

Dorian : One pellet is all it takes. And this one hit right below the heart. Quick bleed out time.

Narrator : But the knights are not concerned.

A quick trip to the bombing range, reveals the Knight’s impressive Mid-Range weapon. The Halberd in concert with his stead.

Mack : That’s a very beautiful horse, Dave. But why is she here?

Josh : First, Mack. Thank you. And secondly, the best position for a Knight to use the Halberd is on top of his horse.

Josh mounts the horse as David Coretti hands him the multi-purpose weapon.

Josh : With this I can pierce and slash and hook all day long. I won’t feel any fatigue.

Narrator : To prove this several foam targets are set up.

Geoff : You have 60 seconds to do as much damage as possible. Starting…NOW!

Narrator : As the time runs out, David attacks the targets with precision. Most of the targets are destroyed.

Geoff : Time!

Mack : I have to say, I am quite impressed. The wounds are almost laser like. Well done.

David : But how can you be accurate if the target moves?

Josh : Agreed. But how would you get me off the horse to begin with?

David : I’ll just shoot the horse.

Everyone looks at him silence.

David : What? It’s not like I’d even do that for real.

Narrator : To finish the testing, David Hernandez is given a paint-ball gun. While Josh is given a foam replica of the Halberd. While painted the edges to show contact.

Mack : When ever you two are ready.

Narrator : Josh is mounted and runs for David. And makes several hits, but they are not life threatening. And David lands his mark on the horse, covered with a blanket to prevent unwanted pain.

Dorian : Well done. But I think judging from the wounds on the horse? I think the Blunderbuss would hit the horse before the Knight could get the pirate.

Narrator : For the battle of Mid-Range weapons goes to the Pirate and the Blunderbuss.

Up next is Short Ranged weapons. Then the final battle.

Narrator : For Mid-Range weapons, it was close, but the Blunderbuss took out the Halberd and the horse. Now we see which warrior has the deadlier weapon.

Max : Last time both sliced up a pig, this time will be a little different. We already know that both swords can do the job, but the real question is this. Can the Cutlass get past the Knight’s Steel Plate armor?

Narrator : To test this, Michael Triplett is brought in to test the short sword.

Geoff : We have the same scenario as before. A pig on a zip-line. But the difference is that the pig will have armor.

Geoff moves the pig to the end. And lets it go.

Narrator : Michael slices at the thinnest part of the armor. But does not penetrate.

Mack : Looking at this, it’s plain to see that the Cutlass did not do the job. And from the last time, it’s clear the axe didn’t do it’s job. Broadsword is the winner.

Narrator : For Short Range weapons and offence versus defense, goes to the Knight. Up next, the debate and battle is put to rest. Knight versus Pirate.

Narrator : The tests are complete. And the experts are done. The Knight weapons tested are the Morning Star, the Crossbow, the Halberd/Horse combination, Broadsword and the Steel Plate armor. The Pirate weapons tested were the Grenado, Flintlock pistol, Blunderbuss, Cutlass and Boarding Axe.

For Long Range, the Crossbow out fired the Flintlock. For Special Weapons, the Grenado could not get past the Knight’s armor. While the Morning Star split open the skull. The test of Mid-Range was close, but the Blunderbuss toppled the Halberd and the Horse. And in a two-way Short Range contest, the Broadsword cut down the Cutlass and the Boarding Axe failed to penetrate the armor.

Max : With all the numbers run, let’s finally put this controversy to bed. Once and for all.

Max hit the ‘Enter’ button.

An English Pirate is running off with stolen gold. He sits down to see his ill-gotten prize. Clanking of metal gets his attention.

A French Knight shows up on his horse. He aims the Halberd at the cretin. And charges.

The Pirate retrieves a pistol and aims. The shot glances off the rider.

The Knight swings down the Halberd and barely makes contact. Giving a slight gash along the back.

The Pirate uses the Blunderbuss on the Horse. The penetration isn’t all that great, the hit causes the horse to knock off the Knight. The steed runs off, leaving a prone Knight.

The Pirate leans over, ready for another pistol.

But is blindsided when the Knight fires a crossbow bolt into the other shoulder. The iron bolt goes right through the unprotected flesh.

The Pirate leaves the gold behind and runs back to his ship. He turns around to see the Knight in pursuit. He makes his ground on the beach. And digs around for the Grenado. He lights it and throws the bomb at the Knight.

The Knight holds his shield fast and waits it out. The explosion knocks the Knight off his feet. And heavily denting the shield. The Knight discards the shield and runs for the Pirate. Swinging the Morning Star at the Pirate.

The Pirate avoids one blow, and the next as well. He get’s out his last pistol and takes aim. The hit lands the Knight off his center, dropping the Morning Star.

The Knight stands his ground and unleashes the Broadsword.

The Pirate does the same with the Cutlass. Both swing and clash. The Pirate gets in close to finish it. He swings and merely dents the metal.

The Knight swings and knocks the Cutlass out.

The Pirate gets out his last weapon. The Boarding Axe. He takes aim, and the pike end is stuck in the double plate.

The last thing the Pirate sees is the massive blade going through his heart.

The Knight raises his sword into the air. “Viva la France!”

Narrator : In an unprecedented victory, the Knight beats the Pirate.

Out of a 1,000 battles the Knight won with a slight margin of 510 battles. The Knight’s long distance weapon, the Crossbow delivered the most kills at 330.

While the Pirate’s Blunderbuss did the most damage, but it wasn’t enough to overcome the Knight’s armor and training.

Coretti : It’s nice to know that with proper testing and better equipment, the Knight is the winner.

Triplett : Am I upset? Yes. But the Pirate won the first time, so I think it’s a tie.


	6. Blackbeard vs Sir Francis Drake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A battle on the open seas.

DEADLIEST WARRIOR: SIR FRANCIS DRAKE VS. BLACKBEARD

Narrator: Sir Francis Drake. Captain for the Queen of England, and extreme explorer.

Blackbeard. Terror of the high seas, during the early 18th century. He stole anything he wanted and destroyed anyone who stood in his way.

Who…is…Deadliest?

Narrator: Due to pressure from fan requests, the producers have agreed to have a naval battle of grand proportions. Featuring two of the most fearless and fearsome pirates of all time. The question: If Sir Francis Drake fought Blackbeard, who would win?

In for running the tests we have returning hosts from the previous seasons. Doctor Armand Dorian, ER doctor and former UFC medic. Geoff Desmoulins, former paramedic and Karate Black Belt. Richard “Mack” Machowicz, retired Navy SEAL and military historian. And Max Geiger, computer whiz and Army simulation designer.

In for the proponents for Blackbeard we have Pirate Tactician and Weapons Expert David Hernandez. And for the types of weapons and ships used is author Angus Konstam.

And the experts in for Sir Francis Drake is Michael Triplett. Weapons handler and expert of Pirate weapons. Also is author John Cummins.

Mack: This is a true first. Never before have we ever had such a monumental battle.

Geoff: That is true Mack. Today we have two firsts. One we are finally answering a long-time fan request. And we are having this battle on the high seas. And we just won’t take a look at the weapons and men, but the ships as well.

Max: That is so true. But it will be harder than normal. I’m going to have to run programs to counter the affects of water. Huge explosions will have a cause and effect pattern.

Dorian: Agreed. I say we start with the tale of the tape.

Blackbeard started out as Edward Teach. He got his name for the darkened color that was attributed to his beard. He was believed to be born in 1680 where he met his end in 1718. He was 6’ 6”. Definitely one of the tallest warriors we’ve had. He weighed 250 pounds. He was heavy, so that might factor into the computer later on.

Sir Francis Drake. His enemies referred to him as ‘Draco’. Or in English terms, Dragon. Drake was probably born in 1540. He died of dysentery in 1596. At 5’ 8”, he was a little taller than his fellow Brits. He also weighed in at 200 pounds. That may seem out of shape by today’s standards, but for the 16th Century Drake was pretty well fit.

Mack: That was impressive. From that it will be hard to determine who is better at piracy. Now we go over the ships used.

Narrator: Both experts and hosts walk over to touch table.

Mack: Watch here, guys. Both Blackbeard and Francis Drake used several ships, here only two will be showcased. Blackbeard had the Queen Anne’s Revenge. He got it from the previous captain. It could go an impressive 20 knots. It was small and fast, but heavily armed. It had 12 Broadside cannons, 6 on each side. And 8 additional cannons on deck. They all had 6 lbs shells.

And Sir Francis Drake captained the Golden Hind. It was given to him by his commanding officer, who was also his cousin. It could reach speeds up to 8 knots. She was armed with 8 Cannons. The 4 Peteras were long-range rifles. The 4 Falcons had 2 lbs shots. They also had 14 Minions with 4 lbs shots.

Narrator: First up is Long Range Weapons.

David: These are the Broadside Cannons. They are named so for the fact that they would shoot from the Broadside of the ship. And these are particularly nasty. Because they have ‘secret’ weapons.

Angus: Agreed, David. In addition to the 6 lbs shells, Blackbeard also carried chain shot and grapeshot. The chain shot is used to topple the mast and leave the other ship dead in the water. While the grapeshot is used to do a maximum amount of carnage in a very short time. Also to be used are the deck cannons. Which use the same artillery.

Mack: That is mighty impressive. And what you just mentioned is something we call Logistics. And that is an X-Factor used when you’re ammunition fits all your guns. Let’s see the damage.

Narrator: To show the damage inflicted, a stand-in mast has been erected up.

Mack: Okay. The objective is to take down the mast. Do that and your enemy is drifting in the water. Also you shall be timed. Ready when ever you are.

Narrator: David loads the cannon with the chain shot. Being extra careful with the massive weapon. One wrong move and the cannon could go off premature.

Angus: Slow down, David. This must be accurate, and we only have one shot.

David: I hear that. Fire in the hole!

Narrator: The blast is spectacular. It is a direct hit to the ship’s mast. The mast is reduced to splinters. But to introduce the realism of being on the open seas, the experts will fire again. But this time on a pneumatic platform.

Mack: Look at that man. They’re already having trouble keeping the cannon level.

Geoff: Agreed, Mack. To say nothing of the time lost.

Narrator: With time lost, team Blackbeard makes up for it with a solid shot.

David: All clear!

Geoff: Let’s go check out the carnage.

Narrator: The hosts inspect the damage done on the second test.

Mack: The hit was off center. However, it still toppled the mast.

Geoff: True. But, can Blackbeard rely on a cannon system that is not accurate?

Narrator: Up next is the damage done by the Golden Hind. And later, the naval battle of the eons. Blackbeard versus Drake.

Narrator: Last we saw the broadside cannons of the Queen Anne’s Revenge take down a mast, both stationary and mobile. Now team Drake is brought in to do the same.

Geoff: Okay, we saw what the broadside cannon did. How are you going to do better?

Cummins: We, too, have chain shot. But Drake’s crew were trained to the extreme.

Michael: True. Drake had the resources of Queen Elizabeth to draw from. His cousin was also the Admiral of the Fleet. He had his pick for the best sailors to draw from.

Mack: And that, also, goes to the X-Factor of Logistics. Make do with what you have and make it last. Let’s see how you measure up.

Narrator: The experts forgo the stationary target and go directly to the pneumatic platform.

Geoff: Look at that, Mack. They’re actually counteracting the affects of the motions.

Mack: You’re right on the money for that one, Geoff. Instead of working against the back and forth, they are going with it.

Michael: Fire in the hole!

The fuse is lit.

Narrator: The chain shot collides with the mast. And the towering pole falls down.

Mack: Okay. Let’s go see what the result is, Geoff.

The hosts inspect the chaos.

Geoff: Look where the impact was. It’s right at the base. The lower the hit the higher the chaos.

Max: Agreed. And this shows that Drake’s cannon men are trained for the harshest of conditions.

Mack: Are we all in agreement?

Geoff and Max nod their heads.

Narrator: In the battle of long range weapons, it goes to Francis Drake and his multiple size cannons with the Golden Hind.

Narrator: Up next, the rage continues. So who will win? Blackbeard or Sir Francis Drake?

Narrator: Last tested were the long range cannons from the Queen Anne’s Revenge and the Golden Hind. And it was the Golden Hind’s cannons that outshot those from the Queen Anne’s Revenge.

Narrator: Now to be tested are the Mid-Range weapons.

Mack: Okay. We’ll be testing the mid-range weapons of the Golden Hind. And they are impressive.

John: On the Golden Hind, Francis Drake had not one, but two mid-range weapons. The Arquebus Matchlock riffles and the Peteras rifle.

Michael: Drake’s very own one-two punch. Old with new. A perfect blend of mass destruction from Medieval and Gunpowder.

Geoff: So, John. Can you explain the weapons that Drake used for mid-range?

John: Of course. The Arquebus Matchlock is the very first rifle. And the Peteras long-range rifle.

Mack: Long-range?

John: Don’t let the description fool you, Mack. While the Peteras has a longer reach, it still falls under Mid-Range. It is flint lock, but still accurate.

Narrator: A trip to the firing range is warranted. And also a first, both weapons will be fired. Simultaneously.

The men line up the targets and let loose.

Armand: Time to see the damage.

Narrator: Doctor Dorian examines the targets.

Armand: Look at this. The bullet severed the Aorta. Massive bleed-out on impact.

Geoff: And check this. The bullet went right into the shoulder.

Mack: True. And correct me if I’m wrong, Doc. But isn’t this where the clavicle artery is?

Armand: It is. And three inches is enough to sever and cause massive bleeding.

Geoff: So both of these guys are dead.

Armand: Both of these guys are dead within seconds.

Narrator: Up next, team Blackbeard fires back. And the first naval battle is concluded.

Narrator: To examine the X-Factor of Battlefield Tactics, Mack is discussing the strategies of Blackbeard.

Mack: OK, Angus. What is the perfect example of strategy for Teach?

Angus: That would be the Blockade of Charleston in 1717.

Mack: Very well. Let’s go look at this. What was Blackbeard’s main protocol?

Angus: To stop the British Navy from reaching Charleston. They carried the supplies and man power to liberate the colonists.

Mack: And he held them off for a while. But that turns sour, the very next year.

Angus: That is correct. It was after this that led to his defeat and death.

Mack: Legend has it he was shot multiple times and also stabbed. The only way he was stopped was by beheading.

Narrator: Now onto to the Mid-Range weapons of Blackbeard. With the iconic Musket. One of the longest used firearms before the self-contained cartridge.

Angus: The musket is a rifle used for nearly a century by the time Blackbeard appeared.

Narrator: Team Blackbeard is at the firing range. Ready to take the win for Mid-Range weapons.

David: This is the Musket. Used nearly worldwide in the time of Golden Age piracy.

Mack: Alright. Take your shot and we’ll measure the damage.

Narrator: David takes the shot and the bullet penetrates the target.

Armand: Wow. The bullet tore through the center mass. I did not expect this.

Geoff: You’re kidding, Doc.

Narrator: With the numbers run, the hosts decide on who has the edge.

Geoff: I have to give it to Blackbeard. His men only have to deal with one weapon. The lack of choices gives them the edge.

Max: I don’t think so. This has to go to Drake. While the guns take time to reload, the matchlock is much faster.

Mack: Think about this as a warrior. Blackbeard’s Musket has the stopping power. But Drake’s weapons have a unique edge. The rifle is accurate, but the matchlock is the quicker draw. This one has to be a wash.

Narrator: In the conflict for Mid-Range weapons, it’s dead-even.

Narrator: Now onto the Battlefield Tactics for Sir Francis Drake.

Mack: John, what is an example of Drake’s strategy in combat?

John: That would be the English Channel in 1588.

Mack: Alright, here we go. So what happens?

John: The Spanish are ready to take the offensive to the shores of England. But they were in for a nasty surprise.

Mack: That’s for sure. Drake had an entire armada waiting for their foes.

John: Yes. And he sent those Spaniards all the way back to Spain.

Narrator: A conclusion is reached.

Mack: Both were successful in their endeavors. But for Blackbeard, it was the beginning of the end. He was killed just a short while later. While Drake continued fighting for Queen and Country for years to come. I have to go with Sir Francis Drake.

Narrator: For the determination of Battlefield Tactics, it goes to Drake.

Narrator: Up next, the blood flow continues. And the final battle is around the bend. Blackbeard versus Drake. Who will win?

Narrator: Last tested were the Mid-Range weapons which resulted in a tie. Now the Short Range weapons are tested. Up first is the menacing Pike.

Geoff: OK, guys. What weapon would Drake use in close quarters?

John: In my book, I notated that he and his men would use the Pike. A short staff with a blade positioned horizontally at the end.

Mack: Impressive. What kind of damage can it do?

Michael: Let’s go see.

Narrator: To determine the damage done to the human body, the closest in terms is used. A pig carcass.

Geoff: OK. What I’m doing here a attaching an accelerometer onto your wrist. It will give us a reading of how fast your move. Also, the amount of damage on impact.

Max: When ever you’re ready, Michael.

Michael: 

Narrator: The blade punctures the flesh without complications.

Mack: Coming up behind you, Michael.

Armand: The pike struck the head and severed the spinal column. Instant death.

Narrator: But team Blackbeard is ready to bring it. With the Cutlass. A curved blade that slices and dices.

Angus: This is the cutlass. The favorite bladed implement for pirates during the 18th Century. It will cut down anything in it’s path.

Geoff: You will go through the same paces, David.

David: Got it. Let me at that swine. I’m ready for pork chops.

The hosts all chuckle at this statement.

Geoff: Go to town, David!

Narrator: David makes a solid hit and makes it stick. Literately.

Armand: Uh-oh. The cutlass is lodged stuck.

Mack: It sure is, Doc. This could cause problems later on.

David: What are you talking about? It did the job.

Geoff: Agreed. But can Blackbeard continue fighting if his cutlass is immobile?

Narrator: It is a slim margin, but the host decide on the Pike for Short Range weapons.

Narrator: Next, the controversy is laid to rest. Who is deadliest? Blackbeard? Or Sir Francis Drake?

Narrator: Last tested were the short range weapons. And the pike beat out the cutlass. Now to test the intangibles. The X-Factors that can not be determined through bloodshed.

Max: Now we determine the X-Factors. We’ve had a team of historians and high seas experts, as well as physicians, to compile a list. Going 1 to 100. 100 being the deadliest warrior.

Mack: That’s pretty sweet Max. How about Logistics? Both were highly equipped.

Max: For Logistics, we settled on a 55 for Blackbeard. And a 45 for Drake. Drake had almost immeasurable resources. But Blackbeard had to steal all the time. So he had to make sure that his supplies lasted.

Geoff: What about Intimidation, Max?

Max: The X-Factor of Intimidation went to Blackbeard. At a 60. While Drake had a 40. Drake was a terror to his enemies. But Blackbeard was a terror to everybody.

Mack: What about Generalship?

Max: Generalship went to Drake. With an impressive 64. While Blackbeard had 36. Blackbeard ruled through terror on his crew. And Drake ruled with respect and fear. His men knew that their captain would have their backs. Blackbeard’s men would wonder if he would stab theirs.

Armand: How would you measure Health and Well being?

Max: For that we came out almost a wash. Blackbeard had a 49 and Drake had a 51. That’s as close to being a tie without it being one.

Max: The X-Factors are measured and the numbers are run. Time to see who is the Deadliest Warrior.

Max hits the ‘Enter’ button.

Blackbeard: 30  
Drake: 30

Blackbeard just sailed off from another plundering exploit. When he spies another ship off the horizon. A massive ship with a British flag. He keeps his men down while he surveys the incoming vessel.

And realizes that this must carry some precious metals. He waits for the ship to get within cannon range. Blackbeard calls for the Jolly Roger to be hoisted.

He also has the men arm the cannons and fires off grapeshot.

The impact takes out some of the men on board the Golden Hind.

Blackbeard: 30  
Drake: 25

Drake steadies his men and orders them to the gun ports. They open fire and takes out the mast and also many of the men there.

Blackbeard: 20  
Drake: 25

Now too close for the canons, Blackbeard orders his men to pick up the muskets. They open fire and takes out 10 more enemies.

Blackbeard: 20  
Drake: 15

Drake orders half of his remaining men to arm up with the Peteras and the other half with the Arquebus. While the Peteras are being reloaded, the Arquebus bullets take flight. Cutting down even more of the brutes.

Blackbeard: 10  
Drake: 15

Drake has the ship ram the other ship in a collision that fuses the two. Blackbeard’s remaining crew jump over and start massacring the other sailors.

Blackbeard: 10  
Drake: 10

Drake has his sailors take aim and let loose. Taking down most of the thugs. 2 bullets head for Blackbeard, but the massive man pushes 2 of his own in front. He lets them fall and starts a rampage.

Blackbeard: 1  
Drake: 10

Blackbeard scares Drake’s men. And uses that to his full advantage. He mows them down. But his cutlass gets stuck in the first mate.

Drake picks up a stray pike and swings upward in a graceful arc. Lodging it in Blackbeard’s head. Drake swings it back down.

Leaving Blackbeard to bleed on the deck of the Golden Hind. He rolls the corpse overboard to allow the sharks to feast.

Blackbeard: 0  
Drake: 1

Narrator: Winner – Sir Francis Drake.

Max: Out of 5,000 battles, Drake won 2,501. This is quite closest Deadliest Warrior has ever come to a full on tie.

Narrator: It was Drake’s generalship and solid weapons that sealed the victory. Which accounted for 90% of the battles.

John: It’s still a shock for me. But not that surprising, though. Drake was an accomplished sailor. And warrior.

Michael: I knew that Drake would win. I don’t have a reason why. I just did.


	7. German Hessian vs French Soldier

DEADLIEST WARRIOR: GERMAN HESSIAN VS. FRENCH SOLDIER

Narrator: The German Hessian. Bloodthirsty hired gun for the British during the American Revolution.

French Soldier. Freedom fighter that helped the Colonists ensure their Independence.

Who…is…Deadliest?

In this episode we have medics, scientists, military historians and computer experts to determine who is the better Revolutionary warrior.

To determine the damage done by the weapons is Geoff Desmoulins. Black belt and bio-engineer. For the devastating damage done to the human body is Doctor Armand Dorian. ER doctor and former UFC medic. For weapons handling and military histories is former NAVY SEAL, Richard “Mack” Machowicz. And to run the numbers and input the data is computer expert Max Geiger. Creator of Army simulation games.

Geoff: This is a real throwback to Season 1. Instead of having named historical warriors, we have two generic historical warriors against each other.

Max: I love this episode. For the first time, we have two warriors who fought on opposite sides of the same war.

Mack: On one hand we have the most brutal hired killer against a warrior whose sole mission was to aid the newly found American Colonies.

Armand: This is going to be one of the most interesting match-ups seen to date.

Narrator: In for the German mercenary for hire are Hessian experts from Wikipedia. They will bring in the information needed to bring light to the legendary German fighters.

Expert #1: The Hessians are among the most brutal, and bloodthirsty, warriors from the 1700’s. This will definitely give the French a run for their money.

Narrator: In for the French are Wiki experts to show the weapons and strategies for the allies of the Colonies.

Expert #3: The French were among the bravest and best trained warriors from the time period. The Hessians will be hard pressed to take them on.

Narrator: But to ensure who would triumph, the hosts must run tests on the weapons used by the warriors.

Narrator: Up first? Is the Charleville Musket. A rifle of powerful force. Able of delivering a killing blow from 15 yards away. And long-range weapon for the French.

Expert #4: This musket was just not used by the French. But the American soldiers, as well. They were brought over to assist the American Armies.

Narrator: To prevent any undo injuries, a trip to the firing range is warranted.

Geoff: This is the premiere weapon that the French used in the American Revolution.

Expert #3: That’s right, Geoff. It was accurate and easy to use.

Mack: Well then, show us.

Dorian: We have a target set up with ballistic gel. Along with simulated organs and bone.

Narrator: The expert takes aim and fires. It is a direct hit.

Geoff: Let’s go check this out.

Mack: OK, Doc. Did you find the bullet?

Dorian: I did. And not where I expected to. Right in the mouth.

Geoff: Let me see. Yeah. It’s there all right.

Mack: Looks to me like the steel rod stopped the bullet.

Expert #4: Correct me if I’m wrong, doctor, but wouldn’t this paralyze then exanguate from there?

Dorian: That is correct. But it’s not an instant kill. Deadly, yes.

Mack: Agreed. But it’s still a hit. And a lethal one at that.

Narrator: Now onto the long-range weapon of the German Hessian. The Jager Rifle. The rifle issued to the hired guns.

Expert #1: This is the Jager Rifle. As you can see, it is much larger than the Charleville Musket. Which means it can hold more gun powder.

Mack: I see where you’re going with this. More gun powder means more stopping power.

Expert #1: That is correct.

Geoff: We’ve seen what the Charleville Musket could do, show us what the Jager can do.

Narrator: The same type of target is brought in. And the Hessian expert lines the shot. And takes it. The hit is on target.

Dorian: That is definitely a first. The whole lower jaw is completely blown off. No need for an examination.

Mack: So I’m just saying what we’re all thinking. The Jager is the winner in long-range attacks.

Geoff: I think ‘Hell, yes’ sums it up.

Narrator: For long-range attacks, it goes to the Jager Rifle.

Narrator: Up next, the battle heats up as the short-range weapons are brought out. And then, the fever pitch. Hessian versus French Soldier. Who will win?

-

Expert #2: The Hessians were so feared that Washington Irving based the Headless Horseman on the German Hessian. Right down to the weapons used.

-

Narrator: Last the hosts determined the Jager Rifle won the long-range attacks. Now they go onto short-range attacks. Up first is the Hessian Axe. The primary weapon of the mercenary.

Geoff: This is not for chopping wood, I take it.

Expert #2: That is right, Geoff. This is a war axe. The Hessians used this at short-range for defense and offense.

Expert #1: It could smash and cut.

Mack: OK. Prove it.

Narrator: A gel torso is brought in to show the damage inflicted.

Geoff: What I’m doing here is strapping an accelerometer onto your wrist. It will tell us how fast that blade moves and shows the stopping power.

Narrator: The expert swings, and goes right through the target.

Mack: This is one of those instances where you have to be there to believe it.

Geoff: Agreed. I think this is the first time we’ve had a full on decapitation by blade.

Dorian: Yeah. The Hessians sure live up to their reputations.

Max: Guys? I’ve just run the numbers. This is the fastest axe swing we’ve had to date. And the most powerful.

Narrator: But the French experts are not ready to pack it in. They have their own short-range slicer. The French Infantry Sword.

Expert #3: This is the finest in French steel. It can do more than lob limbs. It can slice and pierce.

Mack: I get the feeling that you’re not exaggerating.

Geoff: The Hessian axe chopped off the head like hickory. Impress us.

Narrator: Another torso is brought in. And the expert is ready.

Geoff: Now!

Narrator: The expert slices across the throat and pierces the ribcage.

Dorian: Ok. See this slice, here? It severed both the jugular and clavicle arteries. Instant death. And the pierce was just overkill. It punctured the heart and right lung.

Geoff: I see that. Max? What are the numbers from the sword?

Max: It’s 3 times faster than the axe. But the impact is not as significant.

Mack: So with the axe we have more damage, but the sword is the quicker draw.

Geoff: Agreed. This one is dead even.

Narrator: In for short-range weapons is dead even. Neither weapon has the edge.

Narrator: Up next, the medium-range weapons are tested. And then the final battle to determine the deadliest warrior.

-

Expert #3: The French had been in the war since the early days. The first one to show up was the Marquis de Lafayette. So impressive was this guy, that George Washington once said to ‘take care of him as if he were my own boy’.

-

Narrator: Last we saw a dead even draw in short range weapons. Now the tie is set to be broken with medium-range weapons. First is the French bayonet. Bladed implement for the Charleville Musket.

Expert #4: This is the French Bayonet. This was used from the same steel as in the Infantry Sword.

Geoff: That looks might lethal, but how is that medium range?

Expert #3: The bayonet is affixed to the end of the barrel. Like so.

Mack: Looking at like that, it almost resembles a spear.

Expert #3: That is correct Mack. But it can not be used as one. It is not ergonomically designed for the use of a spear.

Expert #4: Just for massive stabbing.

Dorian: Ok. We have a pig carcass strung up for you to attack. We use pig tissue because it’s closest in resemblance to human tissue.

Narrator: The expert lines up and punctures the target with multiple holes.

Dorian: Let me see the damage here.

Mack: What’s the prognosis?

Dorian: I see 5 stabs. All center mass. And not to mention the other side.

Geoff: I see it. 5 exit wounds.

Expert #3: Even back then, soldiers knew to aim for the chest. Hit small, miss small.

Narrator: But the Hessian experts bring in their own blade. The Hessian Longsword. So named for the warrior that wields it.

Mack: We’ve all seen lots of blades on the show. How is yours any different?

Expert #1: This sword is heavier than the others used. It does more damage internally.

Geoff: Ok. We have another pig set up, go for it.

Narrator: The expert slices the pig and goes deep.

Dorian: I see plenty of slashes, but no punctures. The slices do penetrate but not as much as the bayonet. Are they life threatening? That is debatable.

Mack: So you’re saying the Hessian would probably resort to his axe after firing his rifle?

Dorian: That’s my opinion.

Narrator: For the medium-range weapons goes to the bayonet.

Narrator: Up next is the final battle to decide who will win. German Hessian or French Solider.

Narrator: The weapons tested for the Hessians were the axe, longsword and Jager rifle. The French ones were the Infantry sword, the Charleville musket and the bayonet. For short-range, the bayonet out performed the longsword. In medium-range it was a dead even tie between the Infantry sword and the Hessian axe. And in long-range the Jager proved to have more stopping power than the Charleville musket.

Max: Okay. We have plenty of numbers for the simulation.

Mack: Now, Max. The Hessians always travelled in groups. Is this going to be the same?

Max: No. This would be a deviation. It is solely a one on one battle. And because of that, the number of simulations will be trimmed down to a thousand.

Geoff: Any X-Factors to be run?

Max: Yes. We’ll start off with tenacity. This was a close one but the French soldier ended up with a 64 versus the Hessian’s 36. The French would die for the cause of Freedom. Even when it’s not their own. The Hessians only did what they did because of money.

Mack: And that is no way to measure a warrior.

Dorian: What about Psychology?

Max: The Hessian was nearly off the charts with 75. They were terrifying on and off the field. While the French had 25. While the French were excellent soldiers, they didn’t have the shear bloodthirstiness that the Hessian’s possessed.

Mack: What about loyalty, Max? How does that measure up?

Max: The French had a 78. They were in America to help defeat the British. And while they were compensated, it was far different from the Hessians. Who had a 22. They were hired to decimate the troops.

The numbers have been run and the X-Factors are measured. Time to see who is the deadliest warrior.

Max hits the ‘Enter’ button.

A French soldier is out gathering intelligence, when he comes across a lone German Hessian. He gets his Musket ready to take the shot. But the hired gun spots the Frenchman, and runs to his weapons.

The soldier takes aim and barely misses the opponent. Nicking him in the arm.

He picks up his bayonet and sword, then gives chase. The ally to the colonists rounds the corner to see a Jager being pointed at him. The Frenchman dodges the attack. Hitting the shoulder butt of the rifle.

Shattering it.

The Hessian grabs his axe and heads for the soldier.

The soldier affixes the bayonet onto the musket. And charges.

The blade goes right through the arm that is holding the axe.

The Hessian drops the axe and backhands the Frenchman.

The soldier loses his grip on the musket. And makes a grab for his Infantry sword.

The Hessian pulls the blade out of him and goes for his own. The Hessian longsword.

The two clash. But the Hessian forces the soldier onto the ground. And raises the sword into the air.

Completely leaving him helpless.

The French solider swung the sword across the thighs.

Causing a massive bleed out.

Before he could finish the job, he hears the other Hessians heading his way.

The French Soldier runs off, leaving the Hessian bleeding to death.

Narrator: Winner - French Soldier.

Max: Out of 1,000 battles, the French Soldier won with just a few points.

Narrator: The French Soldier won 52% of the battles. The weapon that did the most damage was the French Infantry Sword.

Geoff: I was willing to give this to the Hessian. He had so much going for him. But the French Soldier was the more level headed of the two. And in war, that is what matters.

Mack: The Hessian was more intimidating, but the Soldier was more cunning. And that is a tremendous asset in warfare. It’s not surprising that the French Soldier won.


	8. Queen's Royal Regiment vs Papal Swiss Guard

DEADLIEST WARRIOR: PAPAL SWISS GUARD VS. QUEEN’S ROYAL REGIMENT

Narrator: Papal Swiss Guard. Protectors of the Pope who lay down their lives.

Queen’s Royal Regiment. The crown’s own army that is spread worldwide.

Who….is…Deadliest?

In this stunning edition, we take a look at the truth behind the warriors that would die for their chosen leader.

We have doctors, scientists, military experts and gadget gurus to peel back the layers to find out who would be left standing.

Mack: This is so eye opening. We’ll be looking past all the pomp and circumstance to uncover the warriors within.

Geoff: I agree. Most people see them as tourist attractions. But in reality, they are hardened troops.

Armand: This is so exciting. This is the one matchup that I think will be a dead even draw.

Max: The only way to figure this out is to run the numbers.

Narrator: Papal Swiss Guard. Queen’s Royal Regiment. A battle of the centuries to determine who is the Deadliest Warrior.

Geoff: This is probably the most intensive battle to date. On one side we have the Papal Swiss Guard. Whose sole mission is to protect the highest elected official to preach Christ’s word.

Mack: And they will be going up against the Queen’s Royal Regiment. These are citizens who are chosen to take on threats to the Crown. And they are everywhere. They have outposts everywhere in the world.

Armand: Most people just look at them and see nothing more than pageantry. This couldn’t be further from the truth. In reality they are highly trained military personnel who are adept at using firearms and any other weapon they get their hands on.

Max: That is true. And speaking of weapons, it’s time to test them.

Narrator: In for the Papal Swiss Guard are experts in both modern and period firearms.

Expert 1: The Swiss Guard will decimate anyone they see as a threat to his Holiness. They have been doing just that since the early 1400’s.

Expert 2: These men are willing to lay down their lives for the Pope. Just as it was during the assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II.

Narrator: But the experts for the Queen’s Royal Regiment are so easily swayed.

Expert 3: The men and women that sign up for the Regiment would sacrifice themselves in the name of the Royal Family. The only way to stop them is to kill them.

Expert 4: Most people see them as red coat, bear skin cap wearing statues. The fact is they are trained to stand watch in case of attacks on the Crown.

Narrator: But ensure who is the deadliest, the first of the weapons to be tested are Mid-Range. Starting off with the Guard’s own SIG SG 550. An assault rifle able to take out an opponent in the blink of an eye.

Mack: Okay fellas, what do we have here?  
Expert 1: This, Mack, is the SIG SG 550. The rifle is hammer-fired and has a trigger mechanism with an ambidextrous safety and fire selector switch that has 4 settings: "S"—safe, "1"—single fire, "3"—3 round burst and "20"—fully automatic fire. The trigger is enclosed in a pivoting trigger guard which can be folded down to the left or right side allowing for unhindered operation with winter gloves. The trigger pull is approximately 7.9 lbs.  
Expert 2: It uses a 5.6 mm round. The SIG is gas operated. And has a range of anywhere between 100 to 400 meters. You will be hard pressed to find a mid-ranged firearm able to do the kind of damage associated with this one.

Geoff: Okay. I think a trip to the bombing range is warranted.

Max: We have set several targets surrounding the high value target. You need to get in kill the bad guys and secure the target. And as always here at Deadliest Warrior, you will be timed.

Mack: On three. One, two, three!

The expert takes his time to unload the rounds.

Max: Look at this guys. He’s taking his time to line up the targets.

Mack: You’re absolutely correct. And he’s also conserving his ammo. This will go to the X-Factor of Logistics.

Geoff: He’s also very careful in lining up his sights.

Narrator: The expert decimates each intended target. Some are straight on. And other are mortal wounds.

Mack: Time!

Armand: Let’s go check out the damage.

Narrator: The hosts inspect the chaos.

Armand: Just by looking at this, I can tell you all the shots went to major arteries and veins.

Max: Bleed out city.

Geoff: You hit right on the head of the nail there, Max.

Mack: Yes, the enemies are down. But what about the innocent.

Armand: No damage done. No shrapnel damage. He’s in one piece.

Narrator: But the other experts are not ready to pack it in just yet.

Expert 3: Seemed to me that you struggled with the trigger some.

Mack: In his defense, it takes over a pound of pressure to pull the trigger.

Expert 4: But we have our own answer to that poofy pistol.

Narrator: Presenting the Benelli M4. A shotgun capable of delivering death from over a hundred meters away.

Geoff: Can you explain to me what we have here? We have seen plenty of shotguns, but what makes yours so special?

Expert 3: Glad you asked, Geoff. This is the Benelli M4. It has an ARGO TWIN system.

Max: What does that mean?

Expert 4: It’s an acronym. Standing for auto-regulating gas operated twin system.

Mack: So this shot gun is semi-automatic powered by gasoline.

Expert 4: That is correct. It also has immense stopping power. With 12 gage cartridges and 7 in the rifle.

Max: What’s the range on her?

Expert 3: It can actually reach two different distances. With the Buckshot, you get out to 40 meters. And the Solid slug, it more that triples. Maxing out at 130 meters.

Geoff: That is mighty impressive.

Armand: We all know talk is cheap. What matters here is action.

Mack: Agreed, doc. Another trip to the bombing range is called for.

Narrator: Both experts and hosts return to the same recreated circumstances.

Geoff: You will go through the same drill as the guys did. And you will also be timed.

Mack: On three. One. Two. Three!

Narrator: The expert breezes through the targets. But the hosts spot an error.

Geoff: Look at that man.

Mack: I see it. The buckshot rounds did some damage to the hostage. That can’t be good.

Expert 3: Done!

Narrator: The hosts inspect the damage.

Mack: You certainly made mincemeat of the bad guys. But I see some pellet damage done to the innocent.

Geoff: Both the Regiment and Guard are heroes. And Collateral Damage should be avoided at all costs.

Narrator: The hosts are split for an outcome.

Geoff: I don’t know guys. Both guns did the job. And in around the same time frame.

Mack: True. But with the SIG, the chances of injuring the public is almost nil.

Max: But it isn’t about ethics. It’s about the warrior. So which weapon has the edge?

Armand: Agreed. But these warriors wear the white hats. And we have to look at which weapon did the job without hurting the hostage.

Narrator: With a close call, the edge in Mid-Range weapons is given to the SIG SG 550.

Narrator: Up next, the tests heat up with short range attacks. Then the final battle to see who is the Deadliest Warrior?

Narrator: The question. If the Papal Swiss Guard fought the Queen’s Royal Regiment, who would win? Last the Mid-Range weapons fought it out with the SIG SG 550 narrowingly beat out the Combat Shotgun. Now when things got close the Regiment brought in the Glock 17. Sidearm to every Armed Forces solider of the Crown.

Expert 3: Gentlemen? May I present you the Glock 17.She looks small, but, she is powerful.

Expert 4: This pistol is the only sidearm issued to the British Armed Forces. It is the premiere sidearm for the Crown’s military.

Mack: OK. I understand. This gun is the perfect Short Range weapon for the Regiment.

Geoff: How many rounds in the clip?

Expert 4: There are 17 9mm bullets to a single clip.

Max: That’s a lot of stopping power for a hand gun.

Expert 3: That is true.

Armand: What we have set up here is a ballistic gel torso and head. It’s set up with simulated organs and bone.

Geoff: We’re just going for accuracy here. So call your shots and hit the targets.

Expert 4: Very well, Geoff. One shot in the head and another in the heart.

Mack: Alright, anytime when you’re ready.

Narrator: The expert pulls and trigger, but only twice.

Armand: OK, doctor coming through.

Expert 4: The Glock is on the safety mode. It’s all clear.

Armand: Thank you. OK, one bullet thorough the head. And one bullet in the heart, with bone shrapnel penetrating the lung. In short, he’s dead.

Narrator: Now onto the Guard’s own Short Range shredder. The Glock 19. Perfect for concealment. And quick draws.

Geoff: Okay. What do we have here. This looks like the 17, but it’s kind of different.

Expert 2: This is designed to be slightly smaller. Which makes concealment a snap. And also makes it quicker on the draw.

Mack: What type of ammunition are we dealing with here?

Expert 1: It’s a 9x19mm Parabellum. The projectile is a 9mm and the shell is 19mm. That’s a lot of gunpowder.

Max: Which translates to more stopping power. Let’s see what it can do.

Armand: We have the same type of target set up as before. And the same rules apply as before.

Expert 2: I’ll do you one better. I will give you laser guided action. One shot in the clavicle and the other in the jugular.

Narrator: The expert lines up the shots, and takes them.

Expert 2: Safety’s on!

Armand: Let’s see what we have here. Wow. Even though, we can’t see it, the places hit are dead on for the both arteries.

Mack: Excellent doc. But I think a trip to the firing range is warranted again.

Geoff: I think you’re right, Mack.

Narrator: When experts and hosts return, they see several stand alone targets set up.

Max: There are both friendly and foe stand-ins set up. Your job is to go through and eliminate the foes and avoid the friendlies. But it will be hard. Smoke bombs will be set off, clouding your vision. Good luck.

Narrator: Both experts shoot off into the smoke screen. The sound of gunfire echoes throughout the field.

Narrator: The hosts wait for the smoke to dissipate before inspecting the carnage.

Geoff: I didn’t believe it was possible, but all the foes are vanquished and the friendlies are spared. What about you, Mack? How’s your side?

Mack: Same as yours, Geoff. All the foes dead, and the allies are alive.

Max: You both did superb in both tests. Your Glocks are equally deadly. This is a tie.

Narrator: In the battle for Short Range weapons, its dead even. Up next is the testing of long range weapons and the battle for the Deadliest Warrior continues.

Narrator: Last tested were the Glock versions 17 and 19. Next up is to test Long Range weapons. Up first? The MAUSER 98k. The long range bolt-action rifle used by the Papal Swiss Guard in the past.

Expert 1: This is the bolt-action MAUSER 98k. It is a carbine. So you can fire this all day long and not tire yourself out.

Expert 4: The last time I saw one of those was in a museum.

Expert 1: May I continue? Thank you. It is true that this is no longer used in the Guard, but it is available to the public. So people still use this every day.

Mack: Okay. We have no disrespect to firearms from the past. Let’s see what she can do.

Narrator: Once again, a trip to the bombing range is set up. At various distances.

Expert 2: This contains a 5 round stripper clip. So reloading is a breeze. This particular rife is the sniper variant. With it, you can see the telescopic range. It can give you your target from a thousand meters away. And the cartridge is a 7.92x57 mm. One hit and you’re down.

Geoff: And the first time on Deadliest Warrior, we will have multiple people shooting targets. So you have to keep your concentration going while other shots are going off. Also you will be the only one to be judged.

Max: And you start…NOW!

Mack: Look at that. He went off like a bolt of lightning. And he’s hitting the targets all center mass.

Geoff: True. But look at the action between the hits. He’s taking his eyes off the targets. And the reload is fairly slow compared to the other weapons.

Max: Time!

Narrator: The hosts inspect the damage.

Armand: I have to be honest. I was not expecting precision firing from a rifle no longer in service. Center mass, center mass, center mass…you see where I’m going with this, right?

Max: And this would definitely go to the X-Factor of Training.

Mack: But at 5 minutes, 45 seconds. It is a tad slow.

Expert 3: We have our own long range killer. It will do the job in half the time and from a longer range.

Narrator: The General Purpose Machine Gun. The L7A2. Capable of delivering a kill from over 1000 meters away.

Expert 4: This is the GPMG L7A2. It can actually deliver a kill from two distances. In the light role, you can fire 800 meters away. However, in the sustained fire role it increases to 1800 meters.

Expert 3: Also it has a sustained rate of fire from a 7.62mm 50 cartridge belt delivery system. So it can out distance the carbine for longer bursts of fire.

Geoff: All right. Let’s see what you can do. We have various targets set up for you to hit. And the same applies for you. Other people will also be shooting. So you have to keep your concentration.

Max: OK. On your mark….GO!

Narrator: The expert runs through the targets with ease.

Mack: Look at him go. He’s not slowing down in the very least. And he’s also keeping his sight on the targets at all times.

Geoff: And all from 800 meters away. Whoa, whoa, whoa. He’s getting the tripod ready. Can he even find the target?

Max: Where is it? I can’t find it.

Mack: I found it. It’s to your 11 o’clock, Max.

Max: Yeah. I see it.

Narrator: A round hits the target between the eyes.

Max: TIME!

Armand: Let’s go see the hits.

Narrator: After extensive inspection, the hosts find all the targets hit.

Armand: All the targets are one hit, one kill.

Max: After all the damage caused, my vote goes to the L7A2.

Armand: I agree. But the MAUSER is the lighter rifle. And it will cause less fatigue.

Geoff: True, doc. But the MAUSER has only one range. While the L7A2 has multiple ranges to work with.

Mack: The L7A2 has a larger payload, longer rate of fire, longer scope distance and it keeps your eyes on the target longer. To me, it’s a no brainer.

Narrator: After a grueling test, the GPMG L7A2 is the winner in long-range weapons. Up next, the battle of the decade is set to take place. Papal Swiss Guard. Queen’s Royal Regiment. Who is Deadliest?

Narrator: After testing weapons, it’s all come to a head. In the test for Short-Range weapons between the 17 and 19 versions of the Glock, it was dead even. For Mid-Range weapons the SIG SG 550 went against the ARGO TWIN Combat Shotgun. The SIG is the winner. And in Long-Range weapons, the GPGM L7A2 went against the MAUSER 98k. The L7A2 outshot the competition.

Narrator: But before the final battle can commence, the intangibles bust be measured. The X-Factors. Tests that cannot be measured by violence. 

Max: Up first is Tenacity. It was so close. But the Regiment had a 55 to the Guard’s 45.

Mack: What about Military Experience?

Max: For that it swung heavily for the Regiment at a 73. While the Guard is at 27.

Mack: That makes sense. The Regiment is at every corner of the globe.

Geoff: And what of the all important X-Factor of Training?

Max: For Training, it was nearly a complete wash. With 49 for the Guard. And a 51 for the Regiment.

Max: The numbers have been run and the X-Factors have been measured. Time to see who is the deadliest warrior.

Max hits the ‘enter’ key.

QRR - *****

A small group of the Regiment is outside the perimeter of the Vatican. One stays behind for long range cover fire. The other four make their way in to assess the situation.

PSG - *****

A few of the Guard is out on patrol to see encroachers on their doorstep. The leader orders the sniper to get a better view.

The Regiment sniper sees this and fires off a round. It drops the leader like a sack of potatoes. The XO orders them to double back.

PSG - ****

The Regiment moves forward, along with their sniper. This proves fatal as the Guard’s sniper picks off the rifleman as soon as he’s in range. A hit between the eyes means he gone.

QRR - ****

The de-facto leader of the Guard orders them to move to Mid-Range weapons. All except the sniper, the Guardsmen move to the SIG SG. The Regiment move onto the Combat Shotgun. One zealous soldier puts buckshot in his weapon.

And open fires. Taking out the intended target and injures one of his fellow men.

PSG - ***

The injured man is writhing in agony. The sniper puts him out his misery.

QRR - ***

This gives an outing for another Guardsman and puts a bullet into the other man.

QRR - **

The remaining Regiments open fire on the remaining 2 Guardsmen. They fall down swiftly.

PSG - *

The two men left standing divide and conquer. One stays within range and the other stays out of the range. Disappearing from plain sight.

The sniper falls for the ploy. He takes aim and fire. The royal solider falls for the Queen.

QRR - *

The sniper searches for the remaining Regiment. He can’t find him. He feels the cold steel barrel of the Glock 19 against his head. “Are we all done, chap?” The XO pulls the trigger. Brain matter exploding on the Carbine.

“God save the Queen!”

Narrator: Out of 5,000 battles, the Queen’s Royal Regiment won 3,500. Their massive sweep in the X-Factors and the more powerful weapons sealed their victory.

Geoff: At the beginning I was dead even, but at the end? I had a feeling that the QRR would have won.

Mack: This is one that I was sure would be a wash. But the Guard was unprepared for the updated arsenal the Regiment brought. It makes sense that they would win.

Max: Even though the simulation had them in the Vatican, the Regiment was ready to bring it. They have been posted at nearly every outpost on Earth. They’re used to working outside of their home turf.

Armand: Both are extremely trained, but the QRR have been trained for different continents. Sealing their title of Deadliest Warrior.


	9. Swamp Fox vs Billy the Kid

DEADLIEST WARRIOR: BRIGADIER FRANCIS MARION VERSES WILLIAM HENRY MCCARTY, JUNIOR

Narrator: In this episode two of the most iconic guerilla warriors face off against each other.

Scene: Billy the Kid faces off against Pat Garret and his forces.

Scene: The Swamp Fox is using unconventional warfare against Redcoats.

Geoff: This is so exciting. For the first time we have two warriors who had nom de guerres that propelled them into history books.

Max: I’m really stoked. While having warriors from different centuries is nothing new, this is the first time we heroes that walked the line between outlaw and freedom fighter.

Narrator: The Swamp Fox. Revolutionary War general, that fought off the British in South Carolina.

Roland Emmerich: The Swamp Fox used guerilla tactics against his foes to help win America’s independence.

Narrator: Billy the Kid. Old West outlaw that fought to clear his name.

Emilio Estevez: Billy was the quintessential gun fighter. He gave anyone who crossed his path a run for his money.

Narrator: Francis Marion. William McCarty. Who is Deadliest?

Narrator: In this high tech fight club, we’ve assembled doctors, scientists, computer experts and military historians. The conundrum: If the Swamp Fox fought Billy the Kid. Who would win?

Geoff: This matchup is so amazing. We have a highly trained soldier up against a self taught gun slinger.

Mack: That is so true, Geoff. Francis Marion was actually a Brigadier General assigned to fight the British in South Carolina and Georgia.

Max: And Billy the Kid is no slouch either. This is a young man who took to firearms like a duck to water. He supposedly killed 21 men by the time he turned 21.

Dorian: Well, the only way we can find out is to test the weapons.

Narrator: In for the experts on the Swamp Fox is Hollywood director Roland Emmerich. His brow raising film, The Patriot, was loosely based on Francis Marion.

Roland: Francis Marion was a man ahead of his time. His tactics helped turn the tide of the American Revolution in the south.

Narrator: Also in is Brigadier General Peter Horny. Co-author of the book: The Life of General Francis Marion.

Peter: Francis Marion is a legend. And was already a legend in his own time. His tactics and strategies are still in use today. You have to learn them in order to become an Army Ranger.

Narrator: And finally there is Parson M.L. Weems. The other co-author of the very same book.

Parson: The Swamp Fox is a national icon. His back water fighting styles kept the British busy until the end of the War.

Narrator: And for Billy the Kid, we have lead star of Young Guns. Emilio Estevez. Who brought the outlaw to audiences worldwide.

Emilio: Billy the Kid was, arguably, the best gun fighter in the Old West. Holding his own against corrupt officials and officers.

Narrator: To help ensure the Kid’s victory is screenwriter John Fusco. He wrote the script for Young Guns.

John: I had to do extensive research when preparing to write the script. While the movie covered a portion of his life, the entire life is much more stunning.

Narrator: And finally is author Michael Wallis. He wrote the novel: Billy the Kid: The Endless Ride.

Michael: While writing the book, I was amazed to find out how much to his life there was. Blood, sweat and tears. That is what his whole life has been about.

Geoff: Okay, guys. What we need here is hard core data to crunch numbers for. Onto the weapons.

Narrator: First up is long range. And the rifle premiere choice for The Swamp Fox is the “Brown Bess” Musket rifle.

Peter: This is the rifle that the Continental Army used. And since General Marion was stationed so far from General Washington, he had to use what he had on hand.

Mack: Yes sir. And that is what is known as Logistics. Maintaining your supply line and making it last.

Geoff: I love firearms from this era. It brought a certain type of stress you don’t see in modern guns. So it’s off to the firing range.

Narrator: For the targets, wooden cutouts are set up at varying distances.

Mack: General, for your convenience, we brought out other marksmen to help shoot out the targets.

Dorian: Each target has a small pouch of a combustible substance known as Tamerite. As the ball passes through, the target will explode.

Geoff: Ready on my mark. Three, two, one….Mark!  
Narrator: The first round all hit their targets. But the reload is long.

Geoff: The reload is killing them. It’s taking time off of the clock.

Mack: True, Geoff. But it’s time well spent. Each time the reload is occurring, they make sure that the barrel is thoroughly scrubbed and cleaned. To prevent any misfires or powder burns.

Narrator: The last shot rings out. Signaling the end of testing.

Max: Time to check the high speed cameras.

Narrator: New to the show is a program written to show the speed of the projectile leaving the rifle.

Geoff: This is about as fast as the previous musket ball rifles we’ve had in the past. And about as accurate, too.

Narrator: To see the damage inflicted, Doctor Armand Dorian takes a closer look.

Dorian: All the tanerite targets are blown out. They are all right to wound. And these wounds are all kill shots.

Narrator: But the other experts are not convinced.

Estevez: That was real impressive. But we have a rifle that get the job done in less than half the time.

Narrator: The 1871 Winchester rifle. Capable of housing multiple rounds. And delivering death at a massive rate.

Michael: This, gentlemen, is the 1871 Winchester rifle. The most common used rifle during the late 1800’s. And the preferred rifle of Billy the Kid.  
John: He first cut his teeth on this beauty during his days riding with John Tunstel. He was a land baron that hired Billy on to keep his cattle safe.

Mack: I’m sure she lives up the hype, but, we cannot test it here. So we have go to the firing range.

Narrator: Because the Winchester is a more modern gun, the previous targets have been replaced.

Dorian: Okay. As you can see the tanerite targets are no longer here. They are replaced with ballistic gel torsos. This is so we can properly determine the exact damage done to internal organs.

Estevez: Got it, Doc. You want establish the amount of trauma inflicted by the rounds.

Narrator: So confident are our experts, that only Emilio will be the one to fire off the bullets.

Geoff: Alright, Emilio. On my mark. Three, two, one, mark!

John: It is true. It’s like riding a bike. Once you learn, you never forget.

Mack: That’s true. When I was a Navy SEAL, this is the kind of determination that set you apart from your brethren.

Max: And he hasn’t even reloaded yet. He’s mowing down targets left and right.

Estevez: All clear!

Dorian: Let’s go check out the damage done.

Narrator: After a thorough examination, the hosts come to a conclusion.

Geoff: Both weapons did what was needed. Both got the job done.

Mack: True, Geoff. But only one got it done fast. And no reloading was needed.

Max: I’m agreement. The 1871 Winchester is the clear winner.

Narrator: In for the contest of long range weapons, it goes to the 1871 Winchester rifle.

Narrator: Up next, the battle heats up as mid-range weapons go head to head. And the battle of the century mounts up.

-

Peter: The Swamp Fox was a genius at unconventional warfare. He kept the British not only busy in South Carolina, but Georgia as well.

-

Narrator: Last tested was long range rifles. Having the Winchester go against the “Brown Bess” musket. The Winchester blew away the competition. But when things got closer both men resorted to pistols.

Narrator: In for Billy the Kid, he had two side arms to draw from. The Colt single 44 caliber and the Colt double action 41 caliber.

Michael: What we have here is the Colt. One of the most widely used side arms from the Old West. Even the great Wild Bill Hickok carried one.

Geoff: We’ve had Colts here before, and I impressed. Let’s see what you can do. Back to the firing range.

Mack: Forgive my all spying eye, but these guns have different size calibers.

John: That is true. The single action houses a 44 and the double action carries a 41. But these guns were the premiere side arm for Billy and the Regulators.

Geoff: Ready when you are. Three, two, one, fire!

Max: They’re going through the bullets at an alarming rate.

Mack: I noticed that, too. Oh. They’re reloading.

Dorian: See that? Some are having trouble telling the difference between the two sizes.

Geoff: Yeah. That’s gonna cost them.

Narrator: The echoes soon die down and the hosts inspect the wounds.

Dorian: The gunshot wounds are all precise.

Mack: True, but the time was much longer that one would expect from an enclosed cartridge.

Narrator: The hosts are determined to move on to the next weapon. The matchlock pistol. Sidearm used by armies for the longest time before the self-enclosed cartridge.

Weems: This is the simple one shot matchlock pistol. It’s easy to carry. Easy to load. And easy to fire.

Roland: It also has the added benefit of relying only on one size caliber. (He looks off screen.) No offense.

Emilio: No offense taken. (He replies with the bird.)

Max: Okay, guys. Let’s try to keep this civilized. (Max is trying to keep a straight face.)

Geoff: You will go through the same trial as Emilio. You have to get as many targets as possible.

Mack: Get ready to go on my call. Three. Two. One. Fire!

Narrator: The first shots go off and are a direct hit.

Max: What was it you said about the flintlock pistol, Geoff? Couldn’t hit the broadside of a barn?

Geoff: And I still stand by that Max. Besides, they’re using matchlocks. Not flintlocks.

Mack: Time!

Narrator: Doctor Dorian goes in close to examine the damage done.

Dorian: Look at this. All head and heart shots. There’s no way anyone can survive this.

Narrator: Back at the fight club, the determination for mid-range weapons are decided.

Mack: I’m going with the Colts. They’re the more evolved gun.

Geoff: I have to disagree, Mack. The problems with the Colts are numerable. You have to decide upon two different side arms to use.

Max: Not to mention that each one uses a different caliber of bullet.

Dorian: Sure the reload is quicker, but it also causes confusion on your own side.

Narrator: For the battle of mid-range goes to the matchlock pistol.

Narrator: Up next, the tension heats up. As the short range weapons are brought out. And the final battle is set to take place. The Swamp Fox. Billy the Kid. Who will win?

Narrator: Last we saw the dual Colt pistols go against the matchlock pistol. And the matchlock beat out the Colts. When things got dicey, both warriors resorted to short range combat. Kicking things off is the simple butcher’s knife.

John: According to Pat Garret’s account, Billy had a butcher’s knife on hand. It might not seem like much, but this can slice through a side of beef no problem.

Dorian: I get what you’re saying, John. If this can slice through beef, it can slice through human flesh.

Max: Well, let’s put your money where your mouth is. We have a side of beef for you take a whack at.

Narrator: To properly get an accurate reading, an accelerometer is attached to the wrist.

Geoff: Okay, John. Give a few fake slices. Up and down. Side to side. Good. Whenever you’re ready.

John: Here we go. (The slices go deep and the real kill shots are the stab wounds.)

Mack: I don’t know about you, but that made me hungry.  
(The others chuckle at the comment.)

Dorian: Alright. The slices are life threatening, but not instant kills. The only real kills are from the stab wounds.

Parson: That was mighty impressive, but only one attack from them were kills. We have something that can get in more kills with more options.

Narrator: The hatchet. Simple tool used since time immemorial. Delivering death on nearly every continent.

Peter: The hatchet. Every warrior tribe on the planet used something similar to it. From the American tribes to the African tribes. Going as far back to the Stone Age. And is still used today in Special Forces all around the world.

Geoff: I believe you. But seeing you swinging it gives it a whole other dimension.

Dorian: We brought out a pig carcass for you to demonstrate on. We use pig tissue because it has the closest consistency to human tissue.

Geoff: Okay, General, we’re putting an accelerometer on your wrist. And on the handle. It’s to show how fast it’s going and the impact.

Peter: Understood, Geoff.

Narrator: Peter takes his swing. And makes it stick. Literally.

Max: Uh-oh. Looks like the blade is lodged.

Mack: Don’t be too hasty. Take a look.

Geoff: Looks like a pretty quick recovery there.

Dorian: He picking up the tempo.

Peter: Done!

Dorian: Time to see the damage.

Roland: I don’t think I’ve see this much blood shed in my films.

Mack: It looks pretty gruesome there, Doc. What’s the prognosis?

Dorian: Judging from the first wound, I’d say it went right to the spinal column. And hitting the aorta on the way.

Geoff: So in the first hit, this guy is dead.  
Dorian: Absolutely. Anything after this is merely the icing on the cake.

Narrator: After running the numbers, a conclusion is reached.

Geoff: So I’m comfortable in saying the winner in short range weapons is the hatchet. Guys?

Max: I have to say that the knife is faster, but the hatchet can deliver the death blow first.

Mack: Agreed. We’re not here to do a kitchen show. It’s a killing show. And, historically, the hatchet is a killing weapon.

Narrator: The winner in short range weapons is the hatchet.

Narrator: Up next. Swamp Fox. Billy the Kid. The final battle is concluded. 

-

Michael: Billy the Kid had the shortest career in the Old West. But his legend lives on to this day. He was one of the fastest quick draws ever recorded. No doubt he is the Deadliest Warrior.

-

Narrator: The weapons of Billy the Kid and the Swamp Fox were tested. For long range, the Winchester 1871 went up against the “Brown Bess” Musket rifle. The Winchester outshot the “Brown Bess”. In for mid-range the dual Colt side arms went head to head with the matchlock pistol. The matchlock outperformed the Colts. And in for short range the hatchet hacked up the butcher’s knife.

Narrator: Now onto the intangibles. Numbers that cannot be determined though bloodshed.

Max: Okay. The weapons have been fired and the numbers run. The Deadliest Warrior team had scoured books and affidavits to determine the X-Factors concerning Marion and McCarty. First up is the integral X-Factor of Generalship.

Mack: Not surprising, Swamp Fox got the higher number. Right Max?

Max: To a point, Mack. Generalship covers experience and charisma. While Marion had a 75, McCarty had a modest 25.

Geoff: What about Logistics? Who had it worse and made it last?

Max: Marion had resources to draw upon. But McCarty was pretty much scavenging to a point. Marion ended up with a 63 and McCarty got a 37.  
Dorian: And Battlefield Strategies?

Max: Again Marion took the sweep. For Battlefield Strategies he scored an 84. And McCarty received a 16.

Max: Okay. We’re going to have Swamp Fox and four of his soldiers against Billy the Kid and four of his Regulators. The X-Factors are measured and the numbers are run. Time to see who is the Deadliest Warrior.

Max hits the ‘Enter’ key.

-

Five men on horseback travel the American southwest. They come across a settlement that has been ransacked. Billy orders his men to dismount.  
Coming out of one of the houses are five men in colonial clothing.

SF: *****  
BtK: *****

A Regulator fires off the first and hits one of the soldiers. He falls down but is not killed. General Marion raises his matchlock and fires. The shot is an instant kill.

SF: *****  
BtK: ****

Marion calls for a strategic retreat. Billy follows in pursuit. The Regulators follow the blood trail. And comes across the man who was previously shot. He’s dead.

SF: ****  
BtK: ****

The man next to Billy falls down in a volley of gunfire. Billy picks up a fallen Winchester and takes aim. The two snipers are taken out.

SF: **  
BtK: ****

Billy orders his men to open fire. Unsure of the terrain, they expend their ammunition. Swamp Fox takes the moment to return fire. Musket ball fire takes down three of Billy’s fellow Regulators.

SF: **  
BtK: *

Billy goes to his Colt side arms. He gets off one shot and kills the general’s top lieutenant.

SF: *  
BtK: *

As he takes his aim upon Marion, an ominous double click is heard. Marion marches forward with a hatchet. Billy discards the guns and goes for his butcher’s knife. Marion takes his time to size up McCarty. Billy lunges first with a slash across the chest of his opponent.

It cuts the cloth, but gets little blood loss. He raises his arm to go for a stab. This is the opening that Marion has been waiting for. He quickly swings the hatchet and goes straight for the gut. He pulls out and Billy falls to the ground. Dead.

General Marion takes off his coat and covers the face of William Henry McCarty, Junior. “You were a good solider, son. I would’ve been proud to have you under my command.”

-

Narrator: Winner – Swamp Fox.

Max: Even though Billy had the superior long range weapon, Marion had most of the X-Factors in his favor. Including the all-important X-Factor of Generalship.

Narrator: The same caliber size tipped the scale of battle in favor. And the hatchet overcame the knife in 79% of the battles.

Peter: Brigadier General Francis Marion was one of the prolific officers of the American Revolution. He used guerilla warfare to his advantage. Which transformed how American soldiers fought ever since.

Emilio: I was surprised by how much Billy lost to the Swamp Fox. Not that I’m bitter or anything.


End file.
